Sunday, January 4, 2009

5 weeks, 3 days: Waiting

There's no other way to describe it: This weekend has been weird.

So here's how yesterday went:

I took a nap in the afternoon, and while sleeping I dreamed that I miscarried. Woke up in a panic, realized it had been a dream - "Phew, it was only a dream, I'm still pregnant." Then I realized, with a shock, that I had forgotten to take my midday nausea medication - and I was just fine. No problems. And I didn't need it in the evening, and I didn't take it before bed either. Didn't need to. Nausea was mild to absent.

All of you women out there know that cessation of pregnancy symptoms is NOT a good thing. It can occasionally be normal, but it is also a really good sign of an impending miscarriage. Yesterday I think I ran through the entire spectrum of the grief process, and by the time I went to bed I had basically said my goodbyes, expecting to wake up bleeding in the morning (sorry to be so graphic). This morning? Nothing either way. But no appreciable nausea either.

I also realized last night, when madly Googling "miscarriage symptoms," that aside from mild to moderate nausea and some mild heartburn, I haven't had any other pregnancy symptoms. Nothing. It's just been nausea. That also is not a good sign.

I guess I should interject some of my obstetrical history here.. Before we had our DS, I had one miscarriage that was a blighted ovum miscarriage - a pregnancy in which the baby dies very early but the "pregnancy" (i.e. sac development, lack of menses, etc.) continues for some days or weeks past the baby's death. In such cases, pregnancy symptoms are muted or absent. The only symptom I had was mild nausea.

Thus, I am really wondering if this baby is another blighted ovum baby. It would make sense - no other pregnancy symptoms, nausea that's only mild, etc. In that case, the only thing we can do is wait for the miscarriage.

I have found that one can look for an ultrasound heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks. If we're still "here" in a week, I think I'll do that - waiting stinks!! Normally I am NOT a fan of ultrasound (didn't have any with DS and wasn't planning to with this baby), but I'd compromise to know the truth. I'd have a lot more peace knowing that there was either (a) a baby who's fine, or (b) an impending miscarriage. I'd rather know a negative truth than be forever vacillating between hopefulness and resignation.

Right now I'm in an odd state emotionally. In a lot of ways I feel like I've already released the baby to God, but I'm still hoping fervently that she'll be allowed to stay here. I guess only time will tell. But it was definitely weird at church this morning, because people are coming up asking my due date and congratulating me, and I feel like I am kind of past that stage - it feels weird to be cheerfully saying "September!" when I am seriously expecting a miscarriage at any moment. But I don't want to go around telling people that either - it would be rather morbid.

So I would appreciate your prayers! I'll keep you all updated. I am thankful that there is little to no nausea, and I only pray that I'm having the fluffy pregnancy I have dreamed of. We should know one way or another within a week or so.

2 comments:

  1. Wow! I can't imagine how you must feel right now! You have my prayers!!! Anna

    ReplyDelete

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