Phew. Phew. Phew.

What a week. What a WEEK!!

My goodness.

Okay.....

So anyhow, this past week was "that time of the month" when I'm wondering if we've conceived or not and if this is "time to pay the hyperemesis piper." Well, I was absolutely convinced that I really was pregnant this time! (Not that I'm not convinced every month, but this was an especially intense one.) My luteal phase, which is 9-10 days, has never, ever gone longer than eleven days on occasion - this month it went to twelve days. I was FREAKING OUT!! Luteal phases are just NOT supposed to do that!!!

Of course, that raises the possibility of an early miscarriage. It's definitely possible. It'll probably take about another six months of charting to know. If my luteal phase is finally lengthening out, then 12-day luteal phases will become more normal over the next stretch of time. If it was an early miscarriage, then it will be the one-and-only 12-day luteal phase. It will be interesting to see. But I didn't feel particularly pregnant, so I'm guessing that it's my luteal phase lengthening.

So anyhow, yesterday I decided to go ahead and get an appointment with my consulting OB for early next week, so this morning I emailed and cancelled (I was too embarrassed to call!).

I have been an utter stress case the past, oh, week or so. I have been basically living on a steady overdose of adrenaline!!! As usual, it's a combination of pure, exhilerating joy and pure, debilitating terror - alternating between the two. Last night I was so incredibly stressed out thinking about HG recurring that I was actually up till 1:00 a.m., unable to sleep (which is totally unusual for me - I like to be asleep by 9:30 p.m.!) and basically just freaking out. I just lay there with my heart racing, thinking, "Oh, my God, I can't do this. I just can't. I can't do this again."

I have also spent this week making massive plans for what I would need to do if I was pregnant, and it was a HUGE list - another reason for my stress this week! Packing our house up, writing our Christmas letter, planning for our choral ensemble to be able to get along without me, getting substitutes for work, backing out of church and volunteer activities, dealing with our home purchase, dealing with my mother (who would be mad as a hornet if I got pregnant during our home purchase), and much, much more. I've also been making grocery lists for supplements, etc. etc. etc. So I've been busy! Physically and mentally. Mentally and spiritually, it's been exhausting.

Of course, it's been very productive as well. I finished my "post-conception HG-prevention protocol" which I have posted on this blog, and I have submitted it to various sources for review, including:

- My consulting-OB staff
- My midwife
- www.hypermesis.org
- Shonda Parker's website (she gives advice for a fee)
- Motherisk NVP hotline

The cool thing (now that I'm NOT pregnant) is that each of these sources is taking longer than expected to respond (I haven't gotten final answers from any of them yet), so I have at least another month to receive and review each answer and then complete my protocol. Considering that I was planning on doing my supplement shopping this morning, I would have been extremely frustrated to have to shop without having the return data to go from.

So, the lesson for post-HG mothers who are considering conceiving again: Do your research now! Have your plan and protocol in place before you conceive so that you're ready to go as soon as you suspect you're pregnant. If one waits until one is pregnant to begin research, it's going to take longer than anticipated!

Oddly enough, I was terribly disappointed to find out that I was not pregnant (yes, I do seem to be certifiably insane). Well, the human race wouldn't last very long if the Lord hadn't given women this undeniable batty-ness over having children! :)

And now I think that I shall go collapse in a heap. And stay there for the next two weeks.

Love,
Diana

* P.S. A spiritual note: I have realized that I need to get serious about memorizing Bible verses more systematically. I have never been big on Bible memorization - I'm good on reading, but not memorizing. But last night when I just so filled with fear, the only thing that helped was repeating Bible verses focusing on the love and care of God - and I realized how very few I knew by heart. I realized then how incredibly important it is to have those verses actually in my head and heart rather than just on paper for those inevitable tough times of life. I'm going to try to focus on that in the future.