Sunday, August 24, 2008

Quitters, Anonymous

I quit. Officially!

I tried DH's diet for an entire week. The first three days were easy; the next two were hard; the last two were impossible. After church I told DH, "This is it. I'm quitting." Then I went home and ate a corn muffin and felt much better.

Apparently I have little to no self-control!

I don't want to bash this diet of DH's. It is based on an enormous amount of research and has an amazing track record of reversing chronic and life-threatening illnesses.

Living with it, though, especially when one is motivated only by the enthusiasm of one's hubbie, is quite another thing. It is very strict. This diet temporarily bans all fruit (torture for me) and pretty much permanently bans sugar, grains, most dairy, legumes, some fruits, and all baked goods, as well as some other stuff I can't remember... oh yes, and a ton of other yummy vegetables such as corn, peas, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and winter squash, among others. It was horribly depressing!!! Not to mention that the final phase of the diet was basically vegetarian raw-foodism. Not that I mind raw food, and I'm trying to incorporate more of it into my diet, but a 90% raw food diet.... hmmm.

Of course, I'm not going off the deep end. I still want to stay on a whole-foods diet, both for my health and also for any future pregnancies (to avoid hyperemesis, if at all possible). I do want to focus on minimizing grains and upping my intake of vegetables, raw and cooked. But the strict bans on so many foods were driving me up a WALL.

I'm thinking of trying more of "The Maker's Diet" approach. It's also a great diet which is much less restrictive (on fruit and vegetables, for one).

No wonder those Atkin's diets drove people mad. They must have had much more self-control than I, for I only lasted just short of a week. Some people do it for months or years!

But DH has lost weight even in this week and is looking better, so I know that this diet is great. It's not the diet's fault if I'm a wimpy little wuss with no self-control!

Onto other things....

I am once again having my "not pregnant again!" relief-party of the month. It is absolutely ridiculous what I put myself through each month. The last week of my cycle I spend in an absolute suspense of fear, waiting for that lengthened luteal phase which will tell me.... "this is it." And I do this ridiculous see-sawing back and forth with the whole thing. I'll convince myself that I probably am pregnant, and will immediately start panicking and thinking, "Why did you do this to yourself? Why can't you follow your NFP rules? You idiot!" and start running around looking for the exit door. Then I'll convince myself that I'm not pregnant and will immediately think, "Gosh, I'm disappointed. I wanted to be pregnant. I could have dealt with it. I miss being pregnant! I want another baby! Waaahhh!!" I go back and forth like that in a frenzied manner for an entire week until it all proves to have been worry for nothing.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this fear. It's now been almost three years since my journey with hyperemesis started. If three years isn't enough to get over the fear and be willing to try again, how long must I wait? Till ten years post-menopause??

I really do think that we are probably dealing with some secondary infertility issues at this point. To put it bluntly, we couldn't have timed things better if we'd been actively trying for a baby - but no baby. So either something has happened with my body, or God is just being good to us in giving us more time. That in itself is rather frightening.... What exactly is it that we need time to prepare for? *nervous laugh*

I wish that I could avoid this monthly cycle of fear, but until we learn to obey our NFP rules, it is inevitable. And one day.... Yes, one day, we'll probably wait for a cycle that doesn't start. That will be when things get interesting around here.

As I've said, we've been trying to wait for conception until after we move into our house. Or rather, "our house," as that edifice is strictly fictitious at this point. After having lost our tenth bid, we have been extremely sluggish in moving into the search-mode again. *Sigh* But we'd better do something soon if we don't want to be in this apartment forever.

Well, real life awaits! I think an hour of blogging is enough for anyone.

Cheers! Love you all!

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