Hmmmm.....

Last night I received the news (via the usual method!) that I am once again not pregnant!! I'd like to say otherwise, but I was absolutely overjoyed. I have been spending the last few days of each cycle for the past while in a state of anxiety/semi-panic over the possibility of being pregnant. Obviously I'm not quite ready to try again yet.

The problem is that one has to jump blindly. One can't test the waters gingerly with one foot and then call it off if one doesn't like what one feels - one has to jump with both feet, not knowing until one jumps whether one is jumping into a balmy Caribbean paradise or a swamp of hungry piranhas. And that's what scares me to death - not to know. I could have a "fluffy" pregnancy, due to chance, divine sovereignty, and my improved eating habits, or I could have a pregnancy like the last (God forbid), or I could have life-threatening hyperemesis (God forbid even more).

I was also freaking out over the thought of being in the middle of a home purchase while dealing with hyperemesis. So if we can hold off until we move into our new house, it'll be that much better. Packing and moving with hyperemesis is not only inconvenient, it's impossible. That would be good.

I would be able to relax a little bit more also if I had family in town who could care for Caleb in case of hyperemesis. I simply don't know what I would do right now if I came down with HG, just because Caleb is so needy - but with hyperemesis, even the moderate stuff like I had, childcare is simply not an option.

And then there's just the fear of hyperemesis itself. I am more afraid of HG than just about anything else in this world, and the thought of it reasserting itself is literally enough to put me in panic mode.

But it's been two years!!! Two years since Caleb was born. So how long does one have to wait to get over the fear? I'm willing to try childbirth again - painful as it was, women are just built to be able to forget it just enough to be willing to do it again, LOL! But not hyperemesis - that is a torture that is in another category all by itself.

This blog has been a very healing experience, but apparently I am not far enough down the road to be ready to reenter that world. Well, I guess we'd better improve our use of NFP techniques!!!

One interesting note is that I had a 9 day luteal phase this cycle, and 10 days is supposed to be the cut-off point between functional and dysfunctional (some docs say 12, some say 10). Normally mine has been 10-11 days, since it stabilized postpartum. However, I don't know what it was pre-conception (whether it's changed or not). So I guess there's the possibility of a minor luteal phase defect keeping us from getting pregnant! Well, I wouldn't mind - at least for now.

Love to all!!