Not pregnant yet!

Well, let's see... My toddler got up at 4:45 a.m. this morning ready to PARTY, and I just found him in the kitchen drinking chili powder, so it looks like the beginning of a productive day! :)

My period started (at last) yesterday, so it seems that I shall not have to face the battle of HG quite yet. I'm getting a little tired of this monthly pregnancy scare. When I finally got my period back (at one year postpartum), we decided that we didn't want to go back on the pill, for many reasons, so we took a natural family planning class and have been doing that instead. I am super-glad that we took the class, because it has totally given me insight into my body that I was really missing before. A woman's existence - body, moods, feelings, etc. - are just so tightly tied to her monthly cycle, and knowing my cycle has made me feel that I know myself and my body like I never have before. And, as a side note, the class also gave us a chance to get to know our Catholic brothers and sisters and to become a bit more ecumenical (I've always been taught 'Catholics aren't Christians' etc. etc., and this class helped to change my mind). However, the main point is that Joe and I are just TERRIBLE at using NFP and obeying the rules! Our teachers told us that a couple's "mutual attractiveness" would be highest during the woman's fertile phase, and that's definitely proved true for us. So each month we have at least several chances of having 'messed up', and I have to wait till the end of the cycle to find out whether or not we have conceived. So far we've lucked out.

And, of course, there is also the fact that my cycle hasn't yet returned to normal (although I don't really know what 'normal' is, having only started charting postpartum). My luteal phase has only just now reached 11 days, and 12 days is generally considered the minimum for fertility (although others say 10 days is the minimum). Most women gain their fertility a lot sooner than 2 years postpartum - I've been really slow. An OB with whom I just met said that it is probably because my last pregnancy beat the heck out of my body that the process is taking so long. I agree. I noticed that it was not until Caleb was a full 15 months old that I finally felt better after going through HG. Before that I felt just beat. Of course now I'm still tired all the time (having a toddler will do that to ya), but I do feel back to normal. But gosh, it did take a while!

Each month when I am facing the chance of pregnancy, I feel an odd combination of intense hope and intense terror. Kind of a weird combination. I go back and forth thinking, 'I really hope I'm pregnant' and 'Gosh, I hope I'm not pregnant.' I never can make up my mind. I think I'm relieved each month when I'm not, though. I feel horrible for being glad not to be pregnant, considering how many of our friends are dealing with the trials of infertility. But I am just terrified of going through HG again, and the overwhelming fear that washes over me with heartstopping intensity every time I face the possibility makes me think that I am probably not ready to be pregnant yet. I just have too much fear going on.

At the same time, I'm really dying to be pregnant again. I love the pregnant body and the wonderful feeling of sharing body space with another precious human being. And, as a side note, pregnancy was the only time I've ever had a positive body image!! I can't wait for that part of it!

I have started, this week, putting together a pregnancy notebook. I have one set of dividers each for HG, pregnancy, and childbirth and have put in all the topics I could think of: nutrition, supplements, homeopathy, herbs, childbirth prep, midwifery, breastfeeding, midwife records, OB records, postpartum, prenatal test research, etc. etc. That way I finally have a way to file all the papers I print off and the articles I copy out of the Midwifery Today magazines I borrowed from our midwife. I'm looking forward to filling it up. Especially since I will have to deal with an OB during this next pregnancy (*sigh*), I want to have all of my research handy so that I don't have to depend on my own articulateness when defending my decisions. But anyhow, I'm glad that I don't have to work on it so feverishly - at least I've got one more month! LOL

I can see that it is going to be hard to keep this blog.... I had intended to share it with all my friends, but now I'm blushing at everything already contained therein! Hats off to you, J., for keeping a fertility-type blog and managing to do it so discreetly!

Well, the only reason I was able to write this long was because my toddler was nursing, but now that he's off to destroy the house once again, I'd better go!