Last week I heard from a one-time HG mama who is considering trying for another babe, and I am thrilled to introduce her blog to you:
Memoirs and Musings
I spent some time last night reading through her entries - great stuff. If you go back a few pages, you can read some entries written during her first pregnancy as she deals with HG, and more recent entries deal with her spiritual struggles following HG and her thoughts for planning an upcoming pregnancy.
Have you ever happened upon blog entries that you feel you could have written yourself? I do so occasionally, and this was one of those times - especially on entries like this one that deal with post-HG spiritual fallout (from a Christian perspective). My experience has been almost identical, and to be perfectly honest, I am still dealing with it. That sounds ridiculous, considering that my HG baby is now more than five years old - how long do I need to get over this, anyway? - but the spiritual struggles following HG have, for me, been extremely intense. I still have struggles with trusting God. I still deal with anger. And fear. And more fear. And I didn't even have severe HG, like most of you mamas out there have, so I don't even know where I'd be if I was in those shoes!
For me, HG has been the single most intense experience of my life. It has produced the most spiritual growth in my life - big, big, BIG time - I should write about that sometime, if I haven't already - and it has also produced the greatest crisis of faith. Quite definitely a "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" type of faith crisis. I haven't written a lot about faith and HG lately - maybe I'll get into it more. But it is really nice to have other mamas out there with whom I can share the experience of having one's faith shaken to the core by HG.
And, oddly enough, I have met Christian HG mamas whose faith was not the least bit affected by HG. Even women whose HG was of a near-death type. They simply relied on God and moved on. What faith! I wish I had that unquestioning faith, but it is quite clear that I don't. (My husband does, but not me!) Very interesting to see the different ways in which HG hits different women.
Anyhow! Geneva, welcome to the HG blogosphere; we would be thrilled to cheer you through your next pregnancy!
I don't think that you should think about it in terms of not being over HG you had 5 years ago, considering you are now pregnant and managing HG again. It hasn't really stopped, it has been an ongoing consideration. Your research and attitude towards having family and leaving that in God's hands has also meant that it has been a fairly constant possibility for you to have to face HG again.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps you to know that although I don't count myself as being terribly religious, the faith you and my SIL ('behind the child' blog) both discuss on your blogs actually does quietly influence me. I consider you to be a very strong person who's faith has been put under huge tests. After all that, you still go to church after all this and consider it an important part of your life. Faith that can't stand a bit of a shake-up isn't much of a faith at all, is it? It's only when you really have hard things to deal with that you know if you pray or not and if you pray then you must believe you're talking to God or you wouldn't bother. That's faith at its most basic. I read the account Aaron Ralston gave of his time with his arm trapped behind a boulder in the desert. He had to chop it off in the end to escape. He said that even in the darkest moments he never prayed, he never felt that God was there so he knows now he believes in nothing. I know I'd have prayed, hard! I know that in a tough spot I pray so even when I really, really struggle with religion I know deep down I do have faith.
There's a difference between feeling a bit abandoned or tested beyond endurance and not having faith. Keep blogging, you're doing good you don't know about. I don't agree with the whole God gave me HG to test me business but I do think many women with HG either find their religion a great comfort or else struggle to understand how to respond.
xxx
Hi, I read your blog regularly and find it really encouraging. I have commented before but found this post be really insightful so I thought I would comment again.
ReplyDeleteI have found that there are times I have struggled with my faith over the HG and multiple pregnancy losses. I think when your heart aches you struggle to rebuild your faith and the struggle in turn makes you a bit stronger. There is a verse (can't recall at the moment with pregnancy brain) that says that our weaknesses allow Him to reveal his strengths I believe it is Corinthians.
I am in my FOURTH HG pregnancy and have struggled everytime with the despair of trying to deal with the body and mind as well as trying to explain to people why you cannot just will yourself to be better. Sometimes it is the words of others that have damaged me more than the actual physical issues associated with HG.
I am blogging through this pregnancy. I have found it helps my family/friends to better understand what I am feeling and thinking. They seem to hear it better in the blog than if I am screaming cause they have made another snarky comment about my inability to leave the bedroom or bathroom.
I was just in the hospital again this week. I had a PICC put in and cried as they placed it in my arm. The wonderful nurse (who by the way remembers me from last pregnancy) came in and said, you have to give yourself permission to be weak, because it is only until you give into the weakness that you can accept the help to recover your strengths. I found that to be so helpful.
Anyway, long comment, and I will stop now. Thank you for the post it was insightful!
Thanks Diana, for including me here. It is so good to know that we aren't alone in our HG struggles. I'm so sorry i'm late responding---I don't get around to my blog as frequently as I'd like. Thank you again for your kind words and I pray blessings on you and your family!
ReplyDelete-Geneva