I have been spending a lot of time worrying lately. Not that that's anything new - I'm definitely a worrier by nature. I can worry with the best of them.
And oddly enough, I don't worry about some of the things that normal people worry about. For example, baby's health problems - right now, at least, I'm not the least bit worried. I've been able to leave it completely in God's hands.
Anything else? *Worry, worry, worry.*
Part of my problem is that I am really (too much) into planning. I plan-plan-plan-overplan - lists, plan A/B/C/D, etc. etc. etc. I plan around eventualities that may never happen, around all the different outcomes that may come from any decision, etc. etc.
In fact, not too long ago, I actually started a heated discussion with DH in the car over "You know, what if, in 20 years or so, one of our sons does such-and-such? I know it may never happen, but we need to have a plan now!" Yes, seriously. DH, who in true spousal-opposites fashion, does not like discussing the future at all, was predictably irritated, and we ended up going at it hammer and tongs.
Anyhow, as I said, I've been worrying a lot lately - about so very, very many things. Should we have any more children? (And if so, how many, when, how, in what manner, according to which birth control philosophy?) Where are we going to call home for our church decision? (I thought we had FINALLY gotten that squared away, but DH chose to throw another monkey wrench into the works this past week.) How are we going to educate our children - home, public, private, charter, hybrid, Montessori, Waldorf, traditional, etc.? What is going to be my eventual calling within the birth community? (Yet another question that may have 20 years before I need an answer.) Should we stay in Arizona, or should we be open to moving, especially as my parents are considering a cross-country move?
Yikes!!! The funny thing is that all above questions could wait a good year or two or more for an answer - it's just that I am a complete stress case with any open-ended, unmade decisions in my life. I hate-hate-hate having any unmade decisions, and having a plethora of them has been beyond-stressful.
Well, a night or two ago I was praying through these decisions, and I felt a persuasion that I just needed to stop worrying (and stop trying to get the unmade decisions made) and leave these questions with God for the time being - as it were, at the foot of the Cross. To just drop my worrying, leave my questions and problems with God, and trust him to make the answers known to me in His timing, rather than mine.
Can I say that this is a difficult proposition?
But I am doing my best. Not that it will definitely stay that way, but I am trying to wait for God's timing. After all, He knows if He wants us to have more children.... how He wants us to educate our children... where we are going to call our church home.... how I will eventually be involved in the birth community.... where we should be living. I just need to trust him to reveal His answers in His timing.
Just a few thoughts.... worrying does not go away easily! But I'm doing my best.