I found the following quote in the Beth Moore study book that I am completing as part of a Bible study at my church, and I found that it really resonated with me. I have had a hard time recovering spiritually from hyperemesis (along the lines of "how could you do that to me, God?") and this was very helpful:
"Few things exist in life that Satan can take advantage of more effectively than unforgiveness. It extends an open invitation for him to infiltrate circumstances and spark memories to fan the flame of bitterness. Satan will stop at nothing to broaden the wedge unforgiveness drives between us and our Savior. Why? Because he knows that it is impossible to be filled with the Spirit and filled with unforgiveness. Only Satan wins in the war of unforgiveness...
"If we refuse to forgive, we tie God's mighty hands from 'working all thigns together for good.' He will not bring personal good to you from your pain if you do not release Him through your forgiveness. Why?... Christ has a purpose in the pain you've suffered or He never would have allowed it. Until you surrender to His purpose in the specific matter at hand, He cannot work it for your good. Do you know what that means? It all happened in vain - for absolutely nothing...
"I had no idea the ministry God would grant me through my misery. When I am speaking, the mere mention of my abuse results in a line of women waiting for me when I'm finished. They most often ask why God allowed those things to happen to me knowing that I was going to work for HIm. I look down that line of women and respond, 'For you.' God has slowly but surely ushered me to a place... a glorious place... where the body of Christ has become worth my pain. How did such a miraculous transformation occur? Somewhere along the way, I began to realize some of what it means for me to be worth His suffering."
- Beth Moore, "Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit," pp. 129-130
Showing posts with label Faith and HG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith and HG. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Blog Review: "Bring the Rain"
This is so fascinating....
I just this morning commented in my book review (last post) that C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain" was a great book but that it simply couldn't touch my heart in terms of understanding human suffering. A couple of hours later, while checking a friend's blog, I clicked on her link to another blog, "Bring the Rain."
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
I spent the next hour completely neglecting my poor toddler (thankfully he has a new CD player with which he is entranced) while I read this blog and cried my eyes out over it (which, if you know me, is completely uncharacteristic).
"Bring the Rain" is a blog written by a mother who learned, when she was partway through her fifth pregnancy, that her baby had too many health problems to live, and would die at birth. She completed the pregnancy with this knowledge, having to select her daughter's coffin and grave marker before she was even born. Seeing the tiny pictures of her after birth, and her sweet little wooden coffin, was just overwhelming.
I had actually heard a very similar story before, in a testimony by a woman at a local church. She and her husband lost their first child shortly after birth due to health problems. They then had three healthy children, but when pregnant with their fifth found out that the child would not live past birth. They, too, had to deal with grieving for a child who was still living and not even yet born.
This blog spoke more to me about the depth of human suffering, from a Christian perspective, than all of Lewis's book could do. That's not Lewis's fault - he is a spectacular author and did a great job with the book. But when speaking of suffering, academic treatises just won't do. One word from someone who has "been there, done that" is worth volumes of academic work on the meaning of human pain.
In some ways, that very fact is an answer to my "why?" - suffering occurs, in part, so that we will have the ability to comfort others. We can all sympathize, but one cannot truly comfort someone who is hurting until one has been through it oneself.
I was floored by this young mother's Christian maturity. I'm not saying stoicism, resignation, or anything like that - I'm saying the ability to trust God, to keep coming back to him even in the midst of hurt - something I haven't quite learned.
Here's something the mother, Angie, says regarding an earlier pregnancy with twins, in which she very nearly lost both babies:
"I was on magnesium sulfate for three and a half weeks (the stuff is nasty...I hallucinated that my IV pole was a robot and told Audra to let the trick-or-treaters in one night...she told me she loved me, put on a Jim Brickman CD, and turned off the lights). I was on a lot of medication to keep me out of labor, including a pump thing that I had to inject myself with. Time passed slowly, slowly. I was really scared and depressed, and I want to tell you something else, because we are all friends here, and I think you should know.
"I hardly ever opened my Bible.
"I believed in Him. The whole story. I loved Him fully, but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down. I hate that part of the story, and if I could do it over...well, I can't. I just have to know that He pursued me even when I acted like a jilted bride. He wanted me when I didn't want Him. He taught me about Himself, even as I resisted loving Him back. I am forever grateful for the tenderness He showed me during that time, and the grace He showed me when I came running back with remorse in my heart."
How she felt then is how I have felt over the past couple of years. Yes, I love God, but I want to keep him at arm's length. Having seen how deeply he hurt me in the past, I feel like I can't trust him now. I'm still working on this. But I didn't open my Bible for almost the entirety of my pregnancy, and have had a hard time since.
I have spent a lot of time unconsciously debating between physical and emotional pain. Which is worse? How to compare the two? etc. etc. Although it's an interesting question (which is worse? unbearable physical agony, or unbearable mental torment?), it really doesn't have any purpose. Suffice it to say that pain is pain, torment is torment, and the resulting spiritual downward spiral can be the same.
This woman is an example to me, and I hope to follow her lead in terms of trusting God, studying the Bible, and preparing myself spiritually.
Life has rather frightened me ever since hyperemesis. That disease gave me a brief glimpse into the unplumbed depths of human suffering that lay open to each of us, and it is impossible to know which types of suffering we will each encounter in this life. Right now I am unprepared, spiritually speaking, and I know it - for physical or emotional pain. I'm trying to work through things from my time with HG, but I know that I need to quit wasting time and jump back on the bandwagon. Even if I never get pregnant again, suffering will intrude into my life in some form or another, and I need to be spiritually ready.
I really recommend this blog!
Love,
Diana
I just this morning commented in my book review (last post) that C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain" was a great book but that it simply couldn't touch my heart in terms of understanding human suffering. A couple of hours later, while checking a friend's blog, I clicked on her link to another blog, "Bring the Rain."
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
I spent the next hour completely neglecting my poor toddler (thankfully he has a new CD player with which he is entranced) while I read this blog and cried my eyes out over it (which, if you know me, is completely uncharacteristic).
"Bring the Rain" is a blog written by a mother who learned, when she was partway through her fifth pregnancy, that her baby had too many health problems to live, and would die at birth. She completed the pregnancy with this knowledge, having to select her daughter's coffin and grave marker before she was even born. Seeing the tiny pictures of her after birth, and her sweet little wooden coffin, was just overwhelming.
I had actually heard a very similar story before, in a testimony by a woman at a local church. She and her husband lost their first child shortly after birth due to health problems. They then had three healthy children, but when pregnant with their fifth found out that the child would not live past birth. They, too, had to deal with grieving for a child who was still living and not even yet born.
This blog spoke more to me about the depth of human suffering, from a Christian perspective, than all of Lewis's book could do. That's not Lewis's fault - he is a spectacular author and did a great job with the book. But when speaking of suffering, academic treatises just won't do. One word from someone who has "been there, done that" is worth volumes of academic work on the meaning of human pain.
In some ways, that very fact is an answer to my "why?" - suffering occurs, in part, so that we will have the ability to comfort others. We can all sympathize, but one cannot truly comfort someone who is hurting until one has been through it oneself.
I was floored by this young mother's Christian maturity. I'm not saying stoicism, resignation, or anything like that - I'm saying the ability to trust God, to keep coming back to him even in the midst of hurt - something I haven't quite learned.
Here's something the mother, Angie, says regarding an earlier pregnancy with twins, in which she very nearly lost both babies:
"I was on magnesium sulfate for three and a half weeks (the stuff is nasty...I hallucinated that my IV pole was a robot and told Audra to let the trick-or-treaters in one night...she told me she loved me, put on a Jim Brickman CD, and turned off the lights). I was on a lot of medication to keep me out of labor, including a pump thing that I had to inject myself with. Time passed slowly, slowly. I was really scared and depressed, and I want to tell you something else, because we are all friends here, and I think you should know.
"I hardly ever opened my Bible.
"I believed in Him. The whole story. I loved Him fully, but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down. I hate that part of the story, and if I could do it over...well, I can't. I just have to know that He pursued me even when I acted like a jilted bride. He wanted me when I didn't want Him. He taught me about Himself, even as I resisted loving Him back. I am forever grateful for the tenderness He showed me during that time, and the grace He showed me when I came running back with remorse in my heart."
How she felt then is how I have felt over the past couple of years. Yes, I love God, but I want to keep him at arm's length. Having seen how deeply he hurt me in the past, I feel like I can't trust him now. I'm still working on this. But I didn't open my Bible for almost the entirety of my pregnancy, and have had a hard time since.
I have spent a lot of time unconsciously debating between physical and emotional pain. Which is worse? How to compare the two? etc. etc. Although it's an interesting question (which is worse? unbearable physical agony, or unbearable mental torment?), it really doesn't have any purpose. Suffice it to say that pain is pain, torment is torment, and the resulting spiritual downward spiral can be the same.
This woman is an example to me, and I hope to follow her lead in terms of trusting God, studying the Bible, and preparing myself spiritually.
Life has rather frightened me ever since hyperemesis. That disease gave me a brief glimpse into the unplumbed depths of human suffering that lay open to each of us, and it is impossible to know which types of suffering we will each encounter in this life. Right now I am unprepared, spiritually speaking, and I know it - for physical or emotional pain. I'm trying to work through things from my time with HG, but I know that I need to quit wasting time and jump back on the bandwagon. Even if I never get pregnant again, suffering will intrude into my life in some form or another, and I need to be spiritually ready.
I really recommend this blog!
Love,
Diana
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Side Note
Oddly enough, after my last blog entry (faith & hyperemesis part II), I feel an unusual sort of relief - like I have done what I set out to do! I think that so far, that was the culminating effort of my blog. Now that I have written out completely my spiritual questions and struggles, it's like my mind is much clearer, and I can move ahead with trying to deal with them cleanly rather than mucking about in confusion.
When I started this blog, I had only one objective - to gather and publish my research into hyperemesis to make it available to other HG mums. However, I realize that this blog has also initiated a much-needed spiritual journey as well, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I simply could not have faced another pregnancy without asking these questions and (hopefully) coming to terms with them.
I wanted to also broadcast a note to April, who left a blog comment on this blog several weeks ago. April, I responded to your comment, but I don't think that it went anywhere, so I am going to republish my response here just in case you're still checking this blog.
Also, I'm going to post April's comment here, as it may be helpful for some HG mums out there:
From April:
"Hiya. I'm an HG sufferer on her second HG pregnancy. This one has been more intense than the first. I'm 9 weeks and have already lost 13 pounds. But, my doc prescribed Zofran early enough that I haven't had any rehydration trips to the ER. The only problem is, the Zofran only quells the vomiting, not the nausea for me. So, while I haven't lost any more weight in the past week, the nausea is still relentless. And, I've found, nausea *without* vomitting presents its own horrors.
"Let me share what I've tried.
"Vitamin B-6 50mg plus 25mg unisom three times a day - did it for two weeks - those were the two weeks I lost 13 pounds. Not saying it caused it, but definitely didn't help.
"Acupuncture. I've gone once a week for two weeks, and I can honestly say I feel significant improvement in the severity (NOT the duration - it's still constant) of the nausea. Going back for another round on Monday. I'll keep you posted.
"Read your blog about vitamin K a week ago. I'm lucky enough to work for a major university and was able to get the original article. The study dose was vitamin K (5mg) and vitamin C (25mg) once a day. The problem is, they used vitamin K-3, which can be toxic at this dose. Also, I have read that high doses of vitamin K (any form) in the last trimester of pregnancy has been linked to increased incidence of jaundice in the newborn. All that said, I found only one place online that sold vitamin K-1 in 10 mg capsules. I have been taking 10 mg vitamin K and 100 mg vitamin C for the last two days. I'll let you know if it touches the nausea in the next few days."
My response:
Hi, April!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through HG a second time!! That really stinks. You have more courage than I currently have, as you probably saw from my blog – I haven’t managed to get up courage to try again. I hope that one of the HG remedies can end up working for you. It really seems that different things work for different people. One HG friend of mine told me that acupuncture made her HG worse, while that seems to be working well for you. I’m sorry to hear that the B-6 combo didn’t work for you. It didn’t work for me either, but by the time I tried it I was too sick to keep it down, so I hadn’t counted it out yet.
I will be interested to hear what comes of the vitamin K experiment – let me know! I am surprised to hear that the original study used K-3, as I had read (I think???) that it was K-1 – but that was only a reference to the study, not the original study. I hope that it will have good effects for you.
I will be thinking of you!! Good luck!!!
Love,
Diana
And now, off to get my toddler, who has taken a waaaayyyy-too-short nap!
When I started this blog, I had only one objective - to gather and publish my research into hyperemesis to make it available to other HG mums. However, I realize that this blog has also initiated a much-needed spiritual journey as well, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I simply could not have faced another pregnancy without asking these questions and (hopefully) coming to terms with them.
I wanted to also broadcast a note to April, who left a blog comment on this blog several weeks ago. April, I responded to your comment, but I don't think that it went anywhere, so I am going to republish my response here just in case you're still checking this blog.
Also, I'm going to post April's comment here, as it may be helpful for some HG mums out there:
From April:
"Hiya. I'm an HG sufferer on her second HG pregnancy. This one has been more intense than the first. I'm 9 weeks and have already lost 13 pounds. But, my doc prescribed Zofran early enough that I haven't had any rehydration trips to the ER. The only problem is, the Zofran only quells the vomiting, not the nausea for me. So, while I haven't lost any more weight in the past week, the nausea is still relentless. And, I've found, nausea *without* vomitting presents its own horrors.
"Let me share what I've tried.
"Vitamin B-6 50mg plus 25mg unisom three times a day - did it for two weeks - those were the two weeks I lost 13 pounds. Not saying it caused it, but definitely didn't help.
"Acupuncture. I've gone once a week for two weeks, and I can honestly say I feel significant improvement in the severity (NOT the duration - it's still constant) of the nausea. Going back for another round on Monday. I'll keep you posted.
"Read your blog about vitamin K a week ago. I'm lucky enough to work for a major university and was able to get the original article. The study dose was vitamin K (5mg) and vitamin C (25mg) once a day. The problem is, they used vitamin K-3, which can be toxic at this dose. Also, I have read that high doses of vitamin K (any form) in the last trimester of pregnancy has been linked to increased incidence of jaundice in the newborn. All that said, I found only one place online that sold vitamin K-1 in 10 mg capsules. I have been taking 10 mg vitamin K and 100 mg vitamin C for the last two days. I'll let you know if it touches the nausea in the next few days."
My response:
Hi, April!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through HG a second time!! That really stinks. You have more courage than I currently have, as you probably saw from my blog – I haven’t managed to get up courage to try again. I hope that one of the HG remedies can end up working for you. It really seems that different things work for different people. One HG friend of mine told me that acupuncture made her HG worse, while that seems to be working well for you. I’m sorry to hear that the B-6 combo didn’t work for you. It didn’t work for me either, but by the time I tried it I was too sick to keep it down, so I hadn’t counted it out yet.
I will be interested to hear what comes of the vitamin K experiment – let me know! I am surprised to hear that the original study used K-3, as I had read (I think???) that it was K-1 – but that was only a reference to the study, not the original study. I hope that it will have good effects for you.
I will be thinking of you!! Good luck!!!
Love,
Diana
And now, off to get my toddler, who has taken a waaaayyyy-too-short nap!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Faith and Hyperemesis - Part II
Well, I thought that I may as well get started on this subject! I have procrastinated long enough. Really, I have just wanted to get enough thinking and reading on the subject done to write coherently, but I think that that would take years - possibly a lifetime - or longer! So I may as well get my preliminary thoughts on paper and go from there.
The problem of Christian faith and hyperemesis is not unique. In fact, it's really not "faith and hyperemesis" at all - it is "faith and human suffering." I can imagine going through the same spiritual angst following the death of a child or any other anguish, physical or mental/spiritual/emotional.
Is there a true difference between physical and mental suffering? I really don't know. Both can cause one to question one's faith profoundly, and both can cause true anguish.
The only difference that I can see right now is that physical suffering is generally more "here and now" than mental suffering, at least in the case of hyperemesis. Mental suffering (grief, etc.) generally knows times of relief (during sleep, social gatherings, moments of humor, etc., although there are exceptions), while physical suffering is generally non-stop - especially with hyperemesis, where the nausea just rolls on and on and on without mercy and without relief.
However, I don't want to make exhorbitant claims for HG. I think I've gone off on an irrelevant tangent, anyhow. My main point was that intense suffering, in any form, can cause one to question God and one's faith. Even if it doesn't cause one to lose faith, it can cause anger, rebellion, depression, defiance, etc. against God.
The problem with human suffering is simply that it is so easy to justify on paper in a universal and theological sense. The whys and wherefores of suffering are childishly easy to understand when written down and observed from a distance. No problems there! The problem comes when one is in the suffering - when one is praying and begging for relief that does not come - when instead the torture continues and even increases as one prays. This is when God seems far away, cold, distant, uncaring, or even nonexistent. When one is in the midst of unbearable suffering, one cannot work systematically through the academic reasons behind suffering and be comforted.
Here are my main questions regarding the Christian faith and hyperemesis (or any form of suffering, although this may be more applicable to physical suffering):
(1) How can I know that God is truly loving?
(2) How can I know that my suffering has eternal value?
(3) How can I make peace with past suffering?
(4) How can I make peace with possible future suffering?
Now that I've written them out, let's take them one at a time:
(1) How can I know that God is truly loving?
Okay, let's start by stating the obvious. I know that God is loving. Academically and biblically, I know it. It's a matter of being able to feel and trust that God is loving to the core of one's being. After undergoing immense suffering, it is hard to feel and truly believe in one's heart that God is loving.
The typical response (that I usually think of, that is) is to compare God's relationship with us to the relationship that we have with animals. In other words, we sometimes have to do things to our much-loved pets (grooming, medical procedures, discipline, etc.) that they do not understand (and never will) and which they think of as cruel and unkind. It's hard to make this relate with HG, simply because we do not torture our animals - and HG (and other diseases) are a type of torture. The answer to that, of course, is that the mental/spiritual difference between us and God is infinitely greater than that between us and the animals, and we are thus much less able to understand God's care for us than even our animals understand our care for them. As always, it's easy to know and hard to know.
(2) How can I know that my suffering has eternal value?
Or, stated differently, How can I know that God is truly sovereign?
Having only recently been exposed to the doctrines of Calvinism, divine sovereignty is a relatively new concept to me - and a very comforting one, on the whole. I cannot confess to being a 5-point Calvinist, in that I am not yet willing to accept the doctrine of election as taught by Calvinism, and have problems with many of the other 5-points (happily finding myself in company with C.S. Lewis, among others). Therefore God's sovereignty as taught by hyper-Calvinist churches (as being heavily involved with the doctrine of election) is not quite my thing, but I believe in God's sovereignty very strongly - that God is 100% in control and that all things are being worked out by God for eternal good. (How's that for bad grammar and hard reading?)
It's harder to see human suffering as having value when it is not directly linked to the Christian faith. Human suffering due to one's faith is easy to perceive as having eternal value - such as the sufferings of the suffering church or the Christian martyrs. But suffering from physical problems is harder to see clearly as having eternal value.
My friend J. writes:
"Something that really helped me come to terms with the depths of my grief was just to acknowledge that there was purpose in it. Even when I didn't know what it was, I had to cling to what my head knew outside of my broken heart, which was that God is good, and that for the believer, there is no suffering that is apart from His goodness or that is beyond His divine plan. Clinging to that got me through more days than one."
Here is one thing that I wrote to J. on the subject, with her response:
"In a darker way it can reach to a doubt of God's existence. What if evolution is really all there is? What if life is a meaningless struggle to pass on one's genes out of blind obedience to natural selection and suffering is just a meaningless, pointless exercise in futility which matters for nothing?"
"I would answer that getting to the end of life and finding that this is all there is really does nothing to change the notion of suffering with forbearance. In most cases of great suffering, there is little we can do to change the situation and avoid the suffering. I think to some degree, appreciating the pain as purposeful is for OUR benefit. I imagine I would find myself even more bereft if I believed the pain was pointless.
"As I think I've shared before, CS Lewis wrote about suffering that the danger is not in denying God's existence, but in realizing "a ha, so this is who you really are." That is such a tempting thought to indulge. And I did, for a while.
"As I explored the thoughts though, and explored the flipside-a life with no trials, no refining, and no enlargement of heart, I came to the conclusion that God must be good and He must allow suffering. A God who left me at the mercy of my sinful heart to indulge myself to the fullest and pursue whatever makes me "happy" would not be good at all for I would quickly be given over to sin entirely.
"A God who thwarted the "free" will of man, and the natural order of things would not be acting in love at all but would be a dictator or machinist. It is out of His great love for us that He permits us to act in our "free" will which unfortunately means that He must also restrain Himself when we abuse it. What that amounts to is a world full of mire and pain. Bodies don't work as they should, people don't behave as they ought... While we made not have done things to result in the specific consequences of broken bodies, we are in and contributors to this fallen planet.
"It is the MOST merciful and good thing He can do to take the inevitable suffering that comes part and parcel to a fallen world and redeem it to make it purposeful. The pain is His chisel and fire as he chips and burns away our rough edges. So while this kind of suffering may not spread the gospel, it does aid in our own sanctification, which in turn fits us better for Heaven and for His work here on earth. That is the only possible conclusion I can arrive at that. Any other conclusion left me in utter despair. "
As I shared in a previous blog entry, I have definitely seen some spiritual fruit in my life as a result of HG - things like humility (much more needed, however!), compassion, spiritual exploration of my faith and vastly depleted reservoirs of personal pride. But I would never choose to go through it again to have yet more spiritual fruit borne into my life!! I guess that's why we're never given the choice.
(3) How can I make peace with past suffering?
If the above two questions can be answered to the satisfaction of my heart, then this question is automatically answered. If God is truly Good and God is truly Sovereign, then I can trust that my suffering was at the hand of a loving Father who did all things for my good and for eternal glory.
(4) How can I make peace with possible future suffering?
HOWEVER, even making peace with the past does not make peace with the future. Let's visualize this conversation:
Interviewer, to a mother: "So, I hear that you lost your child in a horrible accident a few years back. How are you feeling about that?
Mother: "Well, after much prayer and suffering I have come to terms with it and trust God that it was all for the best" (etc. etc. etc.)
Interviewer: "Oh, then I guess you won't mind at all then if another couple of your kids are killed the same way?"
Of course not!! Past suffering does not make one willing to go through the same thing, and if one does have to repeat suffering, does not keep the same questions from being asked.
A humorous example: After going through childbirth, I thought that I would never mind any pain ever again!! But I still whine just as much over a splinter or a stubbed toe - past pain has not inured me to present/future pain.
Thinking about the future makes the first two questions (Is God loving/sovereign) rear their ugly heads again, just when I think that I have beaten them into submission. It is much harder to come to terms with the past when one knows that the same suffering (or more) is present yet in the future. That is the eternal problem.
(Hyperemesis is most likely in my future, being that we would like another child (although I have a slight chance of avoiding HG). Even if it isn't, however, there are infinite sources of suffering, and I know that I am destined for at least some of them! So these questions are always applicable.)
In a lot of ways, this question (how to deal with the thought of future suffering) is what keeps the first three questions alive for me. I have often felt the lazy impulse to just "let it slide" and move on - kind of like when two friends or spouses have a fight and can't come to an agreement, so they eventually just agree to "forget it and move on" - no resolution, just an agreement to let bygones be bygones. I have wanted to do the same thing, rather than deal head-on with spiritual questions raised by HG - however, the threat of HG in the future as well as the past makes this pretty much impossible.
I am going to print another passage from J., answering the above question:
"Dear one, this is so hard to answer! I wish I knew what to say. I think this is where our faith must override our hearts and we must will ourselves in spite of our fears. No logic or feeling will compel you to take such a risk. As the Old Testament so frequently says "Remember the Lord God..." Remember His gifts of grace, mercy, kindness and generosity that He has given you so freely on other occasions. Remember those ways in which He has demonstrated and left you with no question that He is good. Remember the suffering of our Lord Christ and His pleas for the cup to pass. God has redeemed even that darkness with His goodness.
"Remembering the Lord's goodness at a time you knew it MUST be true, attempt to trust again, believing that God will be faithful again. He is a loving surgeon. Any pain is for your benefit. If He left the illness of sin in our souls and did not work to carve it out because the carving was too painful, He would not at all be loving for we would soon perish from our terminal disease. HG may not be the direct result of any sin you have committed, and IF (infertility) is not the direct result of any sin I have committed. But both, for whatever reason, have been deemed by God to be necessary for His greater purpose of glorifying Himself through us. It's hard and it's painful but believing HE is Good, I must therefore also then believe that His work in me must be good, too, even when I can't see it. If I believe Him to be good, there can be no fear of trusting Him. There may be fear of the process, but I am comforted by the knowledge of His goodness and the safety of His hand. But there were times I really had to will myself to believe all of that.
"My friend shares a story she learned from her dorm father at a missionary kid's school in Guinea. He lost his son in a tragic auto accident. Later down the road, having seen how God had further sanctified his life and the life of his family as a result, he said "If given the choice, I still might choose mediocrity if it meant that I could have my son back." In such cases as those, how merciful is God to NOT give us a choice for I fear I would make the same choice for mediocrity. He sees the big picture. He sees our "final product" and knows better than we what the steps are to get us there. His actions toward us are for our good out of His great love for us (for His glory is always good for us--we were created for its purpose).
"I don't know if any of this helps or not. I can say now, being a little farther along in my journey than you are that it HAS been good. It hasn't been easy, but I can appreciate its purpose, even if I still might choose a different road if offered the choice. When you cannot believe in the future, trust what you have already seen to be true and believe in the goodness and mercy that Has already been shown to you so generously. He WILL provide it again."
As a side note, I should say that I would always, always, ALWAYS choose mediocrity over spiritual growth due to suffering. Always. Thus, I guess it's good that God doesn't ask my opinion!
Anyhow, all the blogging and thinking and reading in the world won't make me come to terms with these questions. I can't force myself to feel truths that I just don't feel. Thus, I have simply been praying for peace, praying for understanding, and praying to truly feel and know the love and sovereignty of God in a new and real way.
I am going to end this entry with a passage from Jenna Schmitt's book on HG, "Body Mutiny":
"Last year, my own "inner monsoon" unfurled: I was pregnant and very sick. But before that event took place, I spent many years prior stuck miserably in a "perfectly sunny day." Mired in the numerous disappointments of life, I surrendered to despair and selt-loathing. Then the pregnancy blew in and swept away all damaging preconceptions. In retrospect, one year later, I understand exactly why I needed the arrival of such a momentous storm.
"I lost control last year. Control is something I will never truly have over the most profound circumstances. Whether you want to call it a cosmic "master plan," or the Divine, the greatest eruptions in life force us to live outside of selfish desire. After the pregnancy, I learned that I can never take the risk of having any more children.... There is sadness in this fact, but I am just starting to uncover many marvelous gifts i have since gained.
"Today, I am free from old insecurities and live a new life. Now, amazing blessings take place. There are so many unparalleled joys! I delight at my son, a miracle of science and religion, as my husband says. I revel in our steadfast marriage, made radiant by adversity. I marvel at the new and precious friendships we enjoy. I wonder at the advances my case still brings to the medical community...
.... In the end, it is truly the girt of 'delayed joy' that brings the sweetest reward."
(Jenna Schmidt, "Body Mutiny," pgs. 149-150)
And that's about it for now! More later, I'm sure.
The problem of Christian faith and hyperemesis is not unique. In fact, it's really not "faith and hyperemesis" at all - it is "faith and human suffering." I can imagine going through the same spiritual angst following the death of a child or any other anguish, physical or mental/spiritual/emotional.
Is there a true difference between physical and mental suffering? I really don't know. Both can cause one to question one's faith profoundly, and both can cause true anguish.
The only difference that I can see right now is that physical suffering is generally more "here and now" than mental suffering, at least in the case of hyperemesis. Mental suffering (grief, etc.) generally knows times of relief (during sleep, social gatherings, moments of humor, etc., although there are exceptions), while physical suffering is generally non-stop - especially with hyperemesis, where the nausea just rolls on and on and on without mercy and without relief.
However, I don't want to make exhorbitant claims for HG. I think I've gone off on an irrelevant tangent, anyhow. My main point was that intense suffering, in any form, can cause one to question God and one's faith. Even if it doesn't cause one to lose faith, it can cause anger, rebellion, depression, defiance, etc. against God.
The problem with human suffering is simply that it is so easy to justify on paper in a universal and theological sense. The whys and wherefores of suffering are childishly easy to understand when written down and observed from a distance. No problems there! The problem comes when one is in the suffering - when one is praying and begging for relief that does not come - when instead the torture continues and even increases as one prays. This is when God seems far away, cold, distant, uncaring, or even nonexistent. When one is in the midst of unbearable suffering, one cannot work systematically through the academic reasons behind suffering and be comforted.
Here are my main questions regarding the Christian faith and hyperemesis (or any form of suffering, although this may be more applicable to physical suffering):
(1) How can I know that God is truly loving?
(2) How can I know that my suffering has eternal value?
(3) How can I make peace with past suffering?
(4) How can I make peace with possible future suffering?
Now that I've written them out, let's take them one at a time:
(1) How can I know that God is truly loving?
Okay, let's start by stating the obvious. I know that God is loving. Academically and biblically, I know it. It's a matter of being able to feel and trust that God is loving to the core of one's being. After undergoing immense suffering, it is hard to feel and truly believe in one's heart that God is loving.
The typical response (that I usually think of, that is) is to compare God's relationship with us to the relationship that we have with animals. In other words, we sometimes have to do things to our much-loved pets (grooming, medical procedures, discipline, etc.) that they do not understand (and never will) and which they think of as cruel and unkind. It's hard to make this relate with HG, simply because we do not torture our animals - and HG (and other diseases) are a type of torture. The answer to that, of course, is that the mental/spiritual difference between us and God is infinitely greater than that between us and the animals, and we are thus much less able to understand God's care for us than even our animals understand our care for them. As always, it's easy to know and hard to know.
(2) How can I know that my suffering has eternal value?
Or, stated differently, How can I know that God is truly sovereign?
Having only recently been exposed to the doctrines of Calvinism, divine sovereignty is a relatively new concept to me - and a very comforting one, on the whole. I cannot confess to being a 5-point Calvinist, in that I am not yet willing to accept the doctrine of election as taught by Calvinism, and have problems with many of the other 5-points (happily finding myself in company with C.S. Lewis, among others). Therefore God's sovereignty as taught by hyper-Calvinist churches (as being heavily involved with the doctrine of election) is not quite my thing, but I believe in God's sovereignty very strongly - that God is 100% in control and that all things are being worked out by God for eternal good. (How's that for bad grammar and hard reading?)
It's harder to see human suffering as having value when it is not directly linked to the Christian faith. Human suffering due to one's faith is easy to perceive as having eternal value - such as the sufferings of the suffering church or the Christian martyrs. But suffering from physical problems is harder to see clearly as having eternal value.
My friend J. writes:
"Something that really helped me come to terms with the depths of my grief was just to acknowledge that there was purpose in it. Even when I didn't know what it was, I had to cling to what my head knew outside of my broken heart, which was that God is good, and that for the believer, there is no suffering that is apart from His goodness or that is beyond His divine plan. Clinging to that got me through more days than one."
Here is one thing that I wrote to J. on the subject, with her response:
"In a darker way it can reach to a doubt of God's existence. What if evolution is really all there is? What if life is a meaningless struggle to pass on one's genes out of blind obedience to natural selection and suffering is just a meaningless, pointless exercise in futility which matters for nothing?"
"I would answer that getting to the end of life and finding that this is all there is really does nothing to change the notion of suffering with forbearance. In most cases of great suffering, there is little we can do to change the situation and avoid the suffering. I think to some degree, appreciating the pain as purposeful is for OUR benefit. I imagine I would find myself even more bereft if I believed the pain was pointless.
"As I think I've shared before, CS Lewis wrote about suffering that the danger is not in denying God's existence, but in realizing "a ha, so this is who you really are." That is such a tempting thought to indulge. And I did, for a while.
"As I explored the thoughts though, and explored the flipside-a life with no trials, no refining, and no enlargement of heart, I came to the conclusion that God must be good and He must allow suffering. A God who left me at the mercy of my sinful heart to indulge myself to the fullest and pursue whatever makes me "happy" would not be good at all for I would quickly be given over to sin entirely.
"A God who thwarted the "free" will of man, and the natural order of things would not be acting in love at all but would be a dictator or machinist. It is out of His great love for us that He permits us to act in our "free" will which unfortunately means that He must also restrain Himself when we abuse it. What that amounts to is a world full of mire and pain. Bodies don't work as they should, people don't behave as they ought... While we made not have done things to result in the specific consequences of broken bodies, we are in and contributors to this fallen planet.
"It is the MOST merciful and good thing He can do to take the inevitable suffering that comes part and parcel to a fallen world and redeem it to make it purposeful. The pain is His chisel and fire as he chips and burns away our rough edges. So while this kind of suffering may not spread the gospel, it does aid in our own sanctification, which in turn fits us better for Heaven and for His work here on earth. That is the only possible conclusion I can arrive at that. Any other conclusion left me in utter despair. "
As I shared in a previous blog entry, I have definitely seen some spiritual fruit in my life as a result of HG - things like humility (much more needed, however!), compassion, spiritual exploration of my faith and vastly depleted reservoirs of personal pride. But I would never choose to go through it again to have yet more spiritual fruit borne into my life!! I guess that's why we're never given the choice.
(3) How can I make peace with past suffering?
If the above two questions can be answered to the satisfaction of my heart, then this question is automatically answered. If God is truly Good and God is truly Sovereign, then I can trust that my suffering was at the hand of a loving Father who did all things for my good and for eternal glory.
(4) How can I make peace with possible future suffering?
HOWEVER, even making peace with the past does not make peace with the future. Let's visualize this conversation:
Interviewer, to a mother: "So, I hear that you lost your child in a horrible accident a few years back. How are you feeling about that?
Mother: "Well, after much prayer and suffering I have come to terms with it and trust God that it was all for the best" (etc. etc. etc.)
Interviewer: "Oh, then I guess you won't mind at all then if another couple of your kids are killed the same way?"
Of course not!! Past suffering does not make one willing to go through the same thing, and if one does have to repeat suffering, does not keep the same questions from being asked.
A humorous example: After going through childbirth, I thought that I would never mind any pain ever again!! But I still whine just as much over a splinter or a stubbed toe - past pain has not inured me to present/future pain.
Thinking about the future makes the first two questions (Is God loving/sovereign) rear their ugly heads again, just when I think that I have beaten them into submission. It is much harder to come to terms with the past when one knows that the same suffering (or more) is present yet in the future. That is the eternal problem.
(Hyperemesis is most likely in my future, being that we would like another child (although I have a slight chance of avoiding HG). Even if it isn't, however, there are infinite sources of suffering, and I know that I am destined for at least some of them! So these questions are always applicable.)
In a lot of ways, this question (how to deal with the thought of future suffering) is what keeps the first three questions alive for me. I have often felt the lazy impulse to just "let it slide" and move on - kind of like when two friends or spouses have a fight and can't come to an agreement, so they eventually just agree to "forget it and move on" - no resolution, just an agreement to let bygones be bygones. I have wanted to do the same thing, rather than deal head-on with spiritual questions raised by HG - however, the threat of HG in the future as well as the past makes this pretty much impossible.
I am going to print another passage from J., answering the above question:
"Dear one, this is so hard to answer! I wish I knew what to say. I think this is where our faith must override our hearts and we must will ourselves in spite of our fears. No logic or feeling will compel you to take such a risk. As the Old Testament so frequently says "Remember the Lord God..." Remember His gifts of grace, mercy, kindness and generosity that He has given you so freely on other occasions. Remember those ways in which He has demonstrated and left you with no question that He is good. Remember the suffering of our Lord Christ and His pleas for the cup to pass. God has redeemed even that darkness with His goodness.
"Remembering the Lord's goodness at a time you knew it MUST be true, attempt to trust again, believing that God will be faithful again. He is a loving surgeon. Any pain is for your benefit. If He left the illness of sin in our souls and did not work to carve it out because the carving was too painful, He would not at all be loving for we would soon perish from our terminal disease. HG may not be the direct result of any sin you have committed, and IF (infertility) is not the direct result of any sin I have committed. But both, for whatever reason, have been deemed by God to be necessary for His greater purpose of glorifying Himself through us. It's hard and it's painful but believing HE is Good, I must therefore also then believe that His work in me must be good, too, even when I can't see it. If I believe Him to be good, there can be no fear of trusting Him. There may be fear of the process, but I am comforted by the knowledge of His goodness and the safety of His hand. But there were times I really had to will myself to believe all of that.
"My friend shares a story she learned from her dorm father at a missionary kid's school in Guinea. He lost his son in a tragic auto accident. Later down the road, having seen how God had further sanctified his life and the life of his family as a result, he said "If given the choice, I still might choose mediocrity if it meant that I could have my son back." In such cases as those, how merciful is God to NOT give us a choice for I fear I would make the same choice for mediocrity. He sees the big picture. He sees our "final product" and knows better than we what the steps are to get us there. His actions toward us are for our good out of His great love for us (for His glory is always good for us--we were created for its purpose).
"I don't know if any of this helps or not. I can say now, being a little farther along in my journey than you are that it HAS been good. It hasn't been easy, but I can appreciate its purpose, even if I still might choose a different road if offered the choice. When you cannot believe in the future, trust what you have already seen to be true and believe in the goodness and mercy that Has already been shown to you so generously. He WILL provide it again."
As a side note, I should say that I would always, always, ALWAYS choose mediocrity over spiritual growth due to suffering. Always. Thus, I guess it's good that God doesn't ask my opinion!
Anyhow, all the blogging and thinking and reading in the world won't make me come to terms with these questions. I can't force myself to feel truths that I just don't feel. Thus, I have simply been praying for peace, praying for understanding, and praying to truly feel and know the love and sovereignty of God in a new and real way.
I am going to end this entry with a passage from Jenna Schmitt's book on HG, "Body Mutiny":
"Last year, my own "inner monsoon" unfurled: I was pregnant and very sick. But before that event took place, I spent many years prior stuck miserably in a "perfectly sunny day." Mired in the numerous disappointments of life, I surrendered to despair and selt-loathing. Then the pregnancy blew in and swept away all damaging preconceptions. In retrospect, one year later, I understand exactly why I needed the arrival of such a momentous storm.
"I lost control last year. Control is something I will never truly have over the most profound circumstances. Whether you want to call it a cosmic "master plan," or the Divine, the greatest eruptions in life force us to live outside of selfish desire. After the pregnancy, I learned that I can never take the risk of having any more children.... There is sadness in this fact, but I am just starting to uncover many marvelous gifts i have since gained.
"Today, I am free from old insecurities and live a new life. Now, amazing blessings take place. There are so many unparalleled joys! I delight at my son, a miracle of science and religion, as my husband says. I revel in our steadfast marriage, made radiant by adversity. I marvel at the new and precious friendships we enjoy. I wonder at the advances my case still brings to the medical community...
.... In the end, it is truly the girt of 'delayed joy' that brings the sweetest reward."
(Jenna Schmidt, "Body Mutiny," pgs. 149-150)
And that's about it for now! More later, I'm sure.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Intertwining Themes
I have come to realize lately that I really ought to have two blogs - one for hyperemesis and one for homebirth midwifery and birth issues. It would be okay to mix themes if this were a personal blog, i.e. a record of my life and daily doings, but since it is definitely a themed-blog, all of the midwifery material is a little bit out of place. However, the fact remains that I simply do not have time for two blogs!! And they're both pregnancy related, so perhaps I can use that excuse to mix the themes.
This past period of time (since Caleb's birth) has been an important time in my life because it has revealed what is I believe my life passion - homebirth midwifery and other birth issues (promoting natural childbirth, women's rights in childbirth, childbirth education, etc.). It's odd that I had to wait until I was 25 or so to find that out - it could have saved me a lot of time and money pursuing a Bachelor's in biology and a certification in patisserie, both of which turned out to be more along the lines of hobbies rather than life-callings. But I really didn't figure it out until my baby was born. And frankly, I know it's true love because I had a miserable pregnancy, and childbirth wasn't a ton of fun either - but I'm now fascinated with them! I have been on a continual reading spree ever since Caleb turned about six months old, and my fascination just continues to grow.
Side note: I've learned how one can tell a true life passion from a hobby (at least for me) - it's when one can read a magazine devoted solely to the subject and be fascinated by it. I had always wondered why I could have hobbies (organ music, environmentalism, birds, outdoors, cooking, etc.) but be bored silly by publications relating to them. But I can read "Midwifery Today" until I'm blue in the face and be utterly enthralled!
The main problem I am facing right now is simply not knowing what to do with my fascination. I simply don't have any real sense of a direction in which I want to move. The main options open are midwife, doula, and childbirth educator. For the moment I have decided that I am not going to pursue being a midwife, much as I really regret it. I just don't think that I was cut out to be a midwife. Here are the reasons:
(1) I am extraordinarily squeamish around needles and scalpels
(2) I am an uptight super-scheduler type of person (I plan my weeks down to the hour)
(3) I have very weak people skills, and I am especially uncomfortable in any type of counseling situation
(4) I absolutely hate being in charge. I love being a helper, but not the person in charge
(5) I can obsess morbidly for months about receiving disapproval of any kind - and midwives have to be inured against disapproval, since they get it constantly
(6) I have had life-long issues with constant fatigue - not something that is compatible with an on-the-go 24/7 type of career which is one of the most demanding professions in the world.
(7) There's a certain lack of time mixed into all this! As a very happy SAHM I am not looking for a career - just a side-line or a hobby. Midwifery is a career - one of the most demanding careers there is! That's why it has traditionally been reserved for older women.
To me, that's a pretty water-tight case!
So that leaves doula work and childbirth education, both of which I think are possibilities. There are also side-callings, such as lactation consultation, selling birth & baby supplies (slings, etc.), but I don't want to get too peripheral - I really am interested in birth, not just being on the sidelines.
So right now I am really praying for wisdom on this issue. For the moment I am content to just attend birth circle meetings, read voraciously, and back my poor midwife into a corner with continual questions whenever I see her (sorry, Wendi!), but I do want eventually to have a goal and a purpose, and not just be a groupie. There are doula and CBE certification classes probably coming up this fall, so I may try one of those.
What I really need, I guess, is for someone to come up to me and say, "Gosh, I think you'd be a great [fill in the blank]," at which point I would say, "Gee, I never thought of that! I would like to be a [fill in the blank]." Well, I can only dream!
Well, enough wasted time for now! Love to all!!
This past period of time (since Caleb's birth) has been an important time in my life because it has revealed what is I believe my life passion - homebirth midwifery and other birth issues (promoting natural childbirth, women's rights in childbirth, childbirth education, etc.). It's odd that I had to wait until I was 25 or so to find that out - it could have saved me a lot of time and money pursuing a Bachelor's in biology and a certification in patisserie, both of which turned out to be more along the lines of hobbies rather than life-callings. But I really didn't figure it out until my baby was born. And frankly, I know it's true love because I had a miserable pregnancy, and childbirth wasn't a ton of fun either - but I'm now fascinated with them! I have been on a continual reading spree ever since Caleb turned about six months old, and my fascination just continues to grow.
Side note: I've learned how one can tell a true life passion from a hobby (at least for me) - it's when one can read a magazine devoted solely to the subject and be fascinated by it. I had always wondered why I could have hobbies (organ music, environmentalism, birds, outdoors, cooking, etc.) but be bored silly by publications relating to them. But I can read "Midwifery Today" until I'm blue in the face and be utterly enthralled!
The main problem I am facing right now is simply not knowing what to do with my fascination. I simply don't have any real sense of a direction in which I want to move. The main options open are midwife, doula, and childbirth educator. For the moment I have decided that I am not going to pursue being a midwife, much as I really regret it. I just don't think that I was cut out to be a midwife. Here are the reasons:
(1) I am extraordinarily squeamish around needles and scalpels
(2) I am an uptight super-scheduler type of person (I plan my weeks down to the hour)
(3) I have very weak people skills, and I am especially uncomfortable in any type of counseling situation
(4) I absolutely hate being in charge. I love being a helper, but not the person in charge
(5) I can obsess morbidly for months about receiving disapproval of any kind - and midwives have to be inured against disapproval, since they get it constantly
(6) I have had life-long issues with constant fatigue - not something that is compatible with an on-the-go 24/7 type of career which is one of the most demanding professions in the world.
(7) There's a certain lack of time mixed into all this! As a very happy SAHM I am not looking for a career - just a side-line or a hobby. Midwifery is a career - one of the most demanding careers there is! That's why it has traditionally been reserved for older women.
To me, that's a pretty water-tight case!
So that leaves doula work and childbirth education, both of which I think are possibilities. There are also side-callings, such as lactation consultation, selling birth & baby supplies (slings, etc.), but I don't want to get too peripheral - I really am interested in birth, not just being on the sidelines.
So right now I am really praying for wisdom on this issue. For the moment I am content to just attend birth circle meetings, read voraciously, and back my poor midwife into a corner with continual questions whenever I see her (sorry, Wendi!), but I do want eventually to have a goal and a purpose, and not just be a groupie. There are doula and CBE certification classes probably coming up this fall, so I may try one of those.
What I really need, I guess, is for someone to come up to me and say, "Gosh, I think you'd be a great [fill in the blank]," at which point I would say, "Gee, I never thought of that! I would like to be a [fill in the blank]." Well, I can only dream!
Well, enough wasted time for now! Love to all!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Christian Faith and Hyperemesis - Part II
Greetings, all! It's been a busy couple of weeks! Houseguests, birthdays, swim classes, more house hunting - we've been hopping! We just lost our sixth house bid. I don't know who on earth has decided that it is a buyer's market, but this buyer is finding house-hunting nearly impossible! Or rather, yes, it is a "buyer's" market - the market is flooded with buyers! This last house that we lost had no less than NINE bids on it!! So we are back to the drawing board.
Caleb had his first haircut this past week - Joe's sister Anne cut it during his birthday party. I wasn't upset about him getting his hair cut - although I was very fond of his dear little curls, I was quite tired of getting "what a beautiful little girl you have!" practically every time we went out into public. But when it happened, what a shock! I think he has aged a year in looks. I have spent the past week wondering where my little baby went, and who this new little boy is who has taken his place!
If Caleb will give me a few minutes, I wanted briefly to continue on the subject of Christian faith and hyperemesis. Or rather, to digress in a slight tangent. I already have my next blog entry thought out - about the dilemma of HG vs. strong Christian faith, but since I have had this blog entry in mind for a long time, I wanted to write about things in order.
I would like to list briefly the spiritual benefits (yes, you heard rightly) that hyperemesis has brought into my life. For a hellish experience that still leaves me drenched in fear, it is hard to think of anything pleasant associated with it, but I can name several specific improvements that it has left in me spiritually (not physically!). (Speaking of physical effects, I tried on my bathing suit last week that I have not worn for three years and two pregnancies... It, oddly enough, has shrunk! I'm thinking it's the Phoenix heat. It's affected all my other clothes, so why not my swim suit, LOL???)
So here goes....
(1) Firstly, HG has helped me to realize that my Christian faith is weak and in serious need of improvement, not strong and impervious to trials/temptations, as had been my previous, though unconscious assumption. Since this series of blog entries deals almost exclusively with this topic, I won't attempt to cover it any further here.
I should mention that I am currently reading C.S. Lewis's "The Problem of Pain." Though a devoted Lewis fan, I have not yet read that book, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. My soul always stretches by about fifty years whenever I read a Lewis book. Because it deals with a subject near and dear to HG mums' hearts (i.e. the problem of human suffering), I will post a book review here when I have finished (and probably reread it). Unfortunately, though, the problem of human suffering is both ridiculously easy to grasp in a theoretical sense, and nearly impossible to deal with practically - as Lewis notes in his forward.
(2) Secondly, HG has helped me to realize that everything that I am and that I have is truly a gift from God, and not of myself. We all know that fact theoretically, but all of us (at least, I hope it's not just me!) tend to take pride in what we have and are - probably more of the latter than the former. I may not take (too much) pride in my possessions (although I'm not free from it), but I tend(ed) to take pride in my person and character - my moral standards, my intelligence, my education, my abilities and talents, etc. And we/I take for granted things that are also a gift from God - namely, health. Hyperemesis knocked me flat on my back and took away not only my "life" in terms of social intercourse, activities, etc., but also my ability to function as a normal human being. While it was at its worst I was unable to hold a conversation, comb my hair, cook, wash dishes, handle food, do the simplest household chores, or even walk outside. It has helped me to thank God continually for the blessing of health and for all his other blessings, which are exactly that - blessings from God, and nothing from myself.
(3) Thirdly (and this is to my shame), HG has taught me compassion. I am not naturally compassionate. I have a lot of Yankee get-up-and-go, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, just-deal-with-it kind of thinking going on, and in the past I was not very compassionate toward weakness and illness. I remember visiting the home of an invalid and thinking, "This place smells awful. Why can't you just get up and straighten up around here?" Well, HG gave me a nice long stretch where I, too, was unable to "get up and straighten up around here," where I had to rely upon the help of others, and where I was not able to "just deal with it." I think that I have been able to meet life more compassionately since HG, although un-compassionate-ness is a temptation which I think that I shall have to fight all my life.
I am sure that there are more spiritual benefits that have been sprinkled into my life through HG, but those are the main ones that come to mind. I would love to hear from any other HG mums out there who have perhaps thought on this subject - or from anyone who has thought on the subject of suffering vs. faith!
This subject (of faith and HG) is the most serious that I need to deal with in this blog - I cannot face another pregnancy without coming to terms with the spiritual implications of HG. I need to do some really fast maturing. Thankfully this blog is helping me to be able to deal with HG's spiritual ramifications rather than concealing/stuffing them as I have been (unconsciously) doing for the past couple of years. Hopefully the end effect will be good! And hopefully I have learned my lessons well enough not to have to repeat them, LOL!! Of course, lessons are different each time, and it is doubtful if a human being can ever learn during one's finite lifetime, all the lessons that human suffering has to give. But I don't want it to be in vain!
We have more houseguests (my parents) coming on Saturday, so this blog will probably (and unfortunately) be neglected for the next week, unless I can fit in another blog entry tomorrow. I have not told my parents about this blog, due to the fact that (a) I have always been a private person with regards to my parents, and (b) I doubt that any woman wishes her parents to read a blog that contains details of her reproductive and/or spiritual life!! But I will be thinking about the subject of my upcoming blog ("the main spiritual problems/questions resulting from HG/human suffering") and will hopefully have something worthwhile to say when I return.
Love to all!!
Caleb had his first haircut this past week - Joe's sister Anne cut it during his birthday party. I wasn't upset about him getting his hair cut - although I was very fond of his dear little curls, I was quite tired of getting "what a beautiful little girl you have!" practically every time we went out into public. But when it happened, what a shock! I think he has aged a year in looks. I have spent the past week wondering where my little baby went, and who this new little boy is who has taken his place!
If Caleb will give me a few minutes, I wanted briefly to continue on the subject of Christian faith and hyperemesis. Or rather, to digress in a slight tangent. I already have my next blog entry thought out - about the dilemma of HG vs. strong Christian faith, but since I have had this blog entry in mind for a long time, I wanted to write about things in order.
I would like to list briefly the spiritual benefits (yes, you heard rightly) that hyperemesis has brought into my life. For a hellish experience that still leaves me drenched in fear, it is hard to think of anything pleasant associated with it, but I can name several specific improvements that it has left in me spiritually (not physically!). (Speaking of physical effects, I tried on my bathing suit last week that I have not worn for three years and two pregnancies... It, oddly enough, has shrunk! I'm thinking it's the Phoenix heat. It's affected all my other clothes, so why not my swim suit, LOL???)
So here goes....
(1) Firstly, HG has helped me to realize that my Christian faith is weak and in serious need of improvement, not strong and impervious to trials/temptations, as had been my previous, though unconscious assumption. Since this series of blog entries deals almost exclusively with this topic, I won't attempt to cover it any further here.
I should mention that I am currently reading C.S. Lewis's "The Problem of Pain." Though a devoted Lewis fan, I have not yet read that book, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. My soul always stretches by about fifty years whenever I read a Lewis book. Because it deals with a subject near and dear to HG mums' hearts (i.e. the problem of human suffering), I will post a book review here when I have finished (and probably reread it). Unfortunately, though, the problem of human suffering is both ridiculously easy to grasp in a theoretical sense, and nearly impossible to deal with practically - as Lewis notes in his forward.
(2) Secondly, HG has helped me to realize that everything that I am and that I have is truly a gift from God, and not of myself. We all know that fact theoretically, but all of us (at least, I hope it's not just me!) tend to take pride in what we have and are - probably more of the latter than the former. I may not take (too much) pride in my possessions (although I'm not free from it), but I tend(ed) to take pride in my person and character - my moral standards, my intelligence, my education, my abilities and talents, etc. And we/I take for granted things that are also a gift from God - namely, health. Hyperemesis knocked me flat on my back and took away not only my "life" in terms of social intercourse, activities, etc., but also my ability to function as a normal human being. While it was at its worst I was unable to hold a conversation, comb my hair, cook, wash dishes, handle food, do the simplest household chores, or even walk outside. It has helped me to thank God continually for the blessing of health and for all his other blessings, which are exactly that - blessings from God, and nothing from myself.
(3) Thirdly (and this is to my shame), HG has taught me compassion. I am not naturally compassionate. I have a lot of Yankee get-up-and-go, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, just-deal-with-it kind of thinking going on, and in the past I was not very compassionate toward weakness and illness. I remember visiting the home of an invalid and thinking, "This place smells awful. Why can't you just get up and straighten up around here?" Well, HG gave me a nice long stretch where I, too, was unable to "get up and straighten up around here," where I had to rely upon the help of others, and where I was not able to "just deal with it." I think that I have been able to meet life more compassionately since HG, although un-compassionate-ness is a temptation which I think that I shall have to fight all my life.
I am sure that there are more spiritual benefits that have been sprinkled into my life through HG, but those are the main ones that come to mind. I would love to hear from any other HG mums out there who have perhaps thought on this subject - or from anyone who has thought on the subject of suffering vs. faith!
This subject (of faith and HG) is the most serious that I need to deal with in this blog - I cannot face another pregnancy without coming to terms with the spiritual implications of HG. I need to do some really fast maturing. Thankfully this blog is helping me to be able to deal with HG's spiritual ramifications rather than concealing/stuffing them as I have been (unconsciously) doing for the past couple of years. Hopefully the end effect will be good! And hopefully I have learned my lessons well enough not to have to repeat them, LOL!! Of course, lessons are different each time, and it is doubtful if a human being can ever learn during one's finite lifetime, all the lessons that human suffering has to give. But I don't want it to be in vain!
We have more houseguests (my parents) coming on Saturday, so this blog will probably (and unfortunately) be neglected for the next week, unless I can fit in another blog entry tomorrow. I have not told my parents about this blog, due to the fact that (a) I have always been a private person with regards to my parents, and (b) I doubt that any woman wishes her parents to read a blog that contains details of her reproductive and/or spiritual life!! But I will be thinking about the subject of my upcoming blog ("the main spiritual problems/questions resulting from HG/human suffering") and will hopefully have something worthwhile to say when I return.
Love to all!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Christian Faith and Hyperemesis - Part I
Well, having washed, hung and ironed the laundry, made a lasagna and brownies, and a ton of other stuff, I feel that I have earned the right to a few minutes of blogging! (Probably just in time for our little guy to get up from his nap! At the 2 1/2-hour mark, I'm on borrowed time.)
I have been meaning to blog aboug spiritualty/faith and hyperemesis for a long time, but have put it off because of the enormity of the task. It is something that I can't yet wrap my mind around, and will take some time. I have been dealing with spiritual issues stemming from hyperemesis ever since I underwent this condition, and have only recently started to think them through - before this I have simply been too sick, too tired, or too busy!!
Rest assured, I am not questioning the existence of God or throwing away my faith. Not at all. It's just that incredibly difficult circumstances do tend to provoke a "crisis of faith" - a time of intense questioning. I feel the need to work through this and gain understanding before entering another pregnancy.
Instead of doing a straight blog, as I have limited time, I am simply going to paste a letter that I sent to Sarah, my oft-referenced HG-mum friend, which I sent to her in response to her email which I have posted under "Conversations with Sarah, Part II." It may or may not make sense - I was rambling a bit. I feel so overwhelmed by this topic that I don't tend to make much sense. If you're a Christian (or person of any faith) who has had HG, this probably makes sense to you. I think everyone who goes through an extremely trying life experience probably goes through something similar. Unfortunately one can't simply move from weak faith to strong faith without the intervening periods and stages of doubt, fear, anger, etc. - rather like the stages of grief. However much we'd like to avoid them, we can't. I daresay there are some annoyingly amazing people out there who go through a trying experience and bounce through with faith immediately strengthened, but I, alas, am not one of them!
Ashli McCall has told me that she is in the early stages of writing a book about biblical faith and hyperemesis, so if any of you has any thoughts on this, please get on her website, http://www.beyondmorningsickness.com/ and email her!!
Here goes....
"Hello, Sarah!
"I have to tell you – reading your email was creepy. It was like reading my own diary, or a version thereof. Wow. Yes, I have gone/am going through a spiritual “crisis of faith” very similar to yours, although to a bit lesser of an extent (only natural, since my experience was so much easier than yours). I don’t think I ever doubted God’s existence – but I did doubt his goodness and his love. With HG one simply wants to die (nausea is worse than pain), and one is begging God for relief from the unending torture – but it only gets worse. It truly is sinking into the pit. I don’t know of any other disease which so easily induces despair.
"It has left me puzzled. Very puzzled. When people give testimonies, they always say, ad infinitum, “I prayed for more faith, so God gave me cancer, and it was tough, but I got through it, and now I trust God completely!” It’s not that way with HG. One is just too hurt. Too spiritually damaged to bounce back and say “God is good!”
"Here is my summary:
"I thought that I could handle anything.
I couldn’t.
I thought my faith was strong.
It wasn’t.
I thought that I knew God.
I didn’t.
"I think, basically, that I just had mistaken assumptions about God and about faith. Here in America we’ve probably all absorbed various notions of the “health and wealth” movement – that being a Christian ensures some degree of prosperity and constant victory.
"In thinking this through, I am drawn to the words of Christ on the cross – “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” If there’s someone who can be said to have suffered as much as an HG mum, it was Christ on the cross. So no matter what, he does know what we have gone throw or are going through.
"Another thing that I am drawn back to is the simple statement, “God is love.” And “Now we see dimly, as through a mirror, but then we shall see face to face.” There must be a purpose in suffering if God is both all-powerful and all-loving. It’s just hard to admit it when we are in the midst of unbearable suffering.
"Here’s another quote I’ve been considering recently, from Agatha Christie’s autobiography. Quoting a teacher of hers, she writes:
“Quite unexpectedly one day (in the middle, I think, of an arithmetic lesson) she suddenly launched forth on a speech on life and religion. ‘All of you,’ she said, ‘every one of you – will pass through a time when you will face despair. If you never face despair, you will never have faced, or become, a Christian, or known a Christian life. To be a Christian you must face and accept the life that Christ faced and lived; you must enjoy things as he enjoyed things; be as happy as he was at the marriage at Canaan, know the peace and happiness that it means to be in harmony with God and with God’s will. But you must also know, as he did, what it means to be alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, to feel that all your friends have forsaken you, that those you love and trust have turned away from you, and that God Himself has forsaken you. Hold on then to the belief that that is not the end.” (p. 172)
"I have also considered that with all difficult spiritual learning experiences in life, one must go through the middle chapters of rebellion, doubt, fear, anger, etc. before one comes to acceptance and an increase in faith. For me, it’s taken a while. I’m still not there. I don’t have all of my answers yet – or even very many of them. But I’ve started to at least think through things, especially through my blog. A lot of this stuff has lain dormant while I was too busy to think about it, and is now coming to the surface.
"I also consider the Christian martyrs – those who endured unspeakable agonies rather than deny Christ. They too begged for mercy from God and didn’t get it this side of Heaven.
"My friend Jennifer just wrote an interesting blog entry on the subject of spiritual growth through suffering, based on her experience with infertility – you might find it interesting:
http://blessedarethebarren.blogspot.com/
"But anyhow, I totally agree with you saying that “the dross is burned away.” Our faith has been revealed for what it was – weak, immature, trivial, circumstances-based. It’s a long journey. I have great hope that the end result will be a much better thing for us both. But in the meantime, don’t give up hope! I believe that God is good, even if we can’t know everything this side of heaven.
"And, as a side note, positive-thinking people can annoy the heck out of one, can’t they??????? “Look on the bright side.” AAAAHHHHH
Diana
I have been meaning to blog aboug spiritualty/faith and hyperemesis for a long time, but have put it off because of the enormity of the task. It is something that I can't yet wrap my mind around, and will take some time. I have been dealing with spiritual issues stemming from hyperemesis ever since I underwent this condition, and have only recently started to think them through - before this I have simply been too sick, too tired, or too busy!!
Rest assured, I am not questioning the existence of God or throwing away my faith. Not at all. It's just that incredibly difficult circumstances do tend to provoke a "crisis of faith" - a time of intense questioning. I feel the need to work through this and gain understanding before entering another pregnancy.
Instead of doing a straight blog, as I have limited time, I am simply going to paste a letter that I sent to Sarah, my oft-referenced HG-mum friend, which I sent to her in response to her email which I have posted under "Conversations with Sarah, Part II." It may or may not make sense - I was rambling a bit. I feel so overwhelmed by this topic that I don't tend to make much sense. If you're a Christian (or person of any faith) who has had HG, this probably makes sense to you. I think everyone who goes through an extremely trying life experience probably goes through something similar. Unfortunately one can't simply move from weak faith to strong faith without the intervening periods and stages of doubt, fear, anger, etc. - rather like the stages of grief. However much we'd like to avoid them, we can't. I daresay there are some annoyingly amazing people out there who go through a trying experience and bounce through with faith immediately strengthened, but I, alas, am not one of them!
Ashli McCall has told me that she is in the early stages of writing a book about biblical faith and hyperemesis, so if any of you has any thoughts on this, please get on her website, http://www.beyondmorningsickness.com/ and email her!!
Here goes....
"Hello, Sarah!
"I have to tell you – reading your email was creepy. It was like reading my own diary, or a version thereof. Wow. Yes, I have gone/am going through a spiritual “crisis of faith” very similar to yours, although to a bit lesser of an extent (only natural, since my experience was so much easier than yours). I don’t think I ever doubted God’s existence – but I did doubt his goodness and his love. With HG one simply wants to die (nausea is worse than pain), and one is begging God for relief from the unending torture – but it only gets worse. It truly is sinking into the pit. I don’t know of any other disease which so easily induces despair.
"It has left me puzzled. Very puzzled. When people give testimonies, they always say, ad infinitum, “I prayed for more faith, so God gave me cancer, and it was tough, but I got through it, and now I trust God completely!” It’s not that way with HG. One is just too hurt. Too spiritually damaged to bounce back and say “God is good!”
"Here is my summary:
"I thought that I could handle anything.
I couldn’t.
I thought my faith was strong.
It wasn’t.
I thought that I knew God.
I didn’t.
"I think, basically, that I just had mistaken assumptions about God and about faith. Here in America we’ve probably all absorbed various notions of the “health and wealth” movement – that being a Christian ensures some degree of prosperity and constant victory.
"In thinking this through, I am drawn to the words of Christ on the cross – “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” If there’s someone who can be said to have suffered as much as an HG mum, it was Christ on the cross. So no matter what, he does know what we have gone throw or are going through.
"Another thing that I am drawn back to is the simple statement, “God is love.” And “Now we see dimly, as through a mirror, but then we shall see face to face.” There must be a purpose in suffering if God is both all-powerful and all-loving. It’s just hard to admit it when we are in the midst of unbearable suffering.
"Here’s another quote I’ve been considering recently, from Agatha Christie’s autobiography. Quoting a teacher of hers, she writes:
“Quite unexpectedly one day (in the middle, I think, of an arithmetic lesson) she suddenly launched forth on a speech on life and religion. ‘All of you,’ she said, ‘every one of you – will pass through a time when you will face despair. If you never face despair, you will never have faced, or become, a Christian, or known a Christian life. To be a Christian you must face and accept the life that Christ faced and lived; you must enjoy things as he enjoyed things; be as happy as he was at the marriage at Canaan, know the peace and happiness that it means to be in harmony with God and with God’s will. But you must also know, as he did, what it means to be alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, to feel that all your friends have forsaken you, that those you love and trust have turned away from you, and that God Himself has forsaken you. Hold on then to the belief that that is not the end.” (p. 172)
"I have also considered that with all difficult spiritual learning experiences in life, one must go through the middle chapters of rebellion, doubt, fear, anger, etc. before one comes to acceptance and an increase in faith. For me, it’s taken a while. I’m still not there. I don’t have all of my answers yet – or even very many of them. But I’ve started to at least think through things, especially through my blog. A lot of this stuff has lain dormant while I was too busy to think about it, and is now coming to the surface.
"I also consider the Christian martyrs – those who endured unspeakable agonies rather than deny Christ. They too begged for mercy from God and didn’t get it this side of Heaven.
"My friend Jennifer just wrote an interesting blog entry on the subject of spiritual growth through suffering, based on her experience with infertility – you might find it interesting:
http://blessedarethebarren.blogspot.com/
"But anyhow, I totally agree with you saying that “the dross is burned away.” Our faith has been revealed for what it was – weak, immature, trivial, circumstances-based. It’s a long journey. I have great hope that the end result will be a much better thing for us both. But in the meantime, don’t give up hope! I believe that God is good, even if we can’t know everything this side of heaven.
"And, as a side note, positive-thinking people can annoy the heck out of one, can’t they??????? “Look on the bright side.” AAAAHHHHH
Diana
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