Well, here we are! I am now writing from "the other side" that I contemplated when I started this blog - I have completed another pregnancy after having experienced HG with my first term pregnancy. I praise the Lord that I did NOT develop HG with this baby (thank you, Zofran! and thank you, God!), though I did get good and sick.
My first term pregnancy was drug-free, due to my ignorance (didn't know there were anti-nausea drugs, and since I wasn't hospitalized, I didn't find out) and also due to the fact that we had no health insurance at the time. So... it was ugly. Very ugly. Not as ugly as many of you ladies have experienced, but very ugly. A place of utter darkness which is impossible to explain if you haven't been there and to which I hope never to return.
My second term pregnancy would have been worse if I had been again sans drugs... As I've said before, I could tell that it was worse because the nausea hit earlier and harder. I started getting nauseated at 3 weeks (as opposed to 5 weeks with #1), a full week before I could confirm a positive pregnancy test. By the time I did get a positive test, I had already needed to start front-line anti-nausea drugs. I don't even want to know what this pregnancy would have been like without Zofran.
So... I have faced my fears! I've done it again. But "facing my fears" doesn't mean that they're gone - they're still here as much as ever. I am very scared of getting pregnant again, and I intend to do all I can to prevent that. I regret it, but HG is not something to play around with. (I know of at least one HG mama who, as a providentialist - i.e. no birth control for any reason, ever - has experienced HG repeatedly - 6 or 7 times. I don't have that stamina.)
And so - what now? What do I do with this blog? I started this blog for two purposes: (1) to organize and publicize my research into natural remedies for HG (almost none of which worked, LOL!), and (2) to work through the spiritual issues and fallout I've dealt with in my Christian life as a result of HG.
Well, #1 is complete, and the result is - use Zofran!! lots of it!! LOL Natural methods may be great for lesser complaints, but for HG - go for drugs. (And this is coming from a natural-medicine-minded, homebirthing, midwife-loving, crunchy, granola-type!) Drugs are very, very good. Mmm.... Zofran.
#2 - Not complete, but in process. I'll write more about that later. Honestly, I don't think one can ever work through something like that, in terms of "I have all my answers" - but there's a time when one has to move on. At least partially. Again, I'll write more on that later.
Now that I've gotten into blogging (and LOVE it!), I'll always have a blog. But should it be this one? I can either turn this into my personal blog and keep it up, or I can start a personal blog and leave this one intact as an HG blog and just add HG-only things as they come up. The second option might be better in order to leave this blog intact as a resource for HG mamas. There aren't many HG blogs on the web - I only know of three, including this one. I'll have to think about it and come up with something.
Anyhow, this blog has been a wonderful experience for me. I'm so thankful for my friend Jennifer, who got me into blogging and encouraged me with her advice. I have loved connecting with the HG community and getting feedback on my thoughts - it has been so helpful. Hopefully there will be better treatment for HG in the future! (They'll probably discover that it can be totally prevented by drinking carrot juice pre-conception, or something ridiculous like that!)
And now... Off to bed! More when I have time!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Random Thoughts
A free moment to blog!! Woo hoo!
Hubby and son are off to the train museum, and baby is sleeping, so I actually have (*gasp*) free time! I'm going to try to keep it quick, though, because I want a nap too!
As I posted on my birth blog, our breastfeeding bootcamp with baby went terrifically well, and baby is now breastfeeding - he hasn't had a bottle in three weeks! Kudos to our awesome pediatrician, who saved the day with his advice.... he is awesome.
I find myself quite stressed at the moment... just like after the birth of our first son. The postpartum period is really hard for me - probably because I'm so wedded to routines and a clean house. I've loosened up a lot, but still... really, I've been stressed out ever since our first son was born. Evidently I'm not a parent by nature!
But there's also a lot going on in our lives. Our finances are in a near-crisis state, all the more so after I quit my job, but that (though stressful) is probably a good thing because it's forcing us to face our financial skeletons and bad habits and (hopefully!!!!) deal with them! But it's stressful, nonetheless.
Also, I'm trying hard to get a handle on parenting. Parenting has never, never, never been easy for me... I don't take easily to kids, and I had no experience with them prior to the birth of our baby. In fact, parenting has been a lesson in humility (probably also a good thing). Firstly because during my childhood, I was accustomed to being the best in school - easily and without effort. Parenting has been the direct opposite... I watch my friends easily pass me by on the most basic things! So I just watch them and do my best to imitate... but it's not easy! Secondly, because (like most childless couples, I think) I spent my child-free years thinking, "MY child will never act like THAT,".... well, I have been humbled!
Additionally, I'm trying to make up my mind on schooling options for our kiddos. We've thought "homeschooling" for years, but I am having to face the ugly and shameful truth.... I really, really, really DON'T want to homeschool. I've been dreading it for years, and now that it's just around the corner, I haven't yet gained that spark of enthusiasm that has made me do anything except cower with dread. So.... what now? I really don't want to do public, but we have no money for private (see above!!). So we're having to think. Hubby still wants to homeschool, but I'm doing my best to have us look at other options. However, that requires an entire shift in my thinking, as I've been thinking "homeschool" for years. And don't get me wrong - I am completely convinced that homeschooling is the best option out there. When we came to our current church, I met homeschooling families for the first time... and I was BLOWN AWAY!!! These kids are amazing!! I'd never seen anything like it. They're better socialized, better educated, less swayed by peer pressure and media, more able to think for themselves, more involved in the community, more involved in a wide variety of educational venues, not to mention having awesome relationships with their parents and siblings. That's where we got the idea! But the fact remains that I do not think that either I or my son is suited for homeschooling. I'm about ready to explode with stress as it is, and the thought of adding ANOTHER full-time job into the mix brings me to the verge of tears - not ecstasy. But the thought of giving his education into someone else's hands also terrifies me! Not to mention the realities of increased peer pressure, which is just terrifying. So... we'll see.
(Not to mention the fact that there is a whole cotillion of conservative Christians out there who militantly believe that homeschooling is the ONLY right option for Christian parents (or ANY parents), and that anyone who does anything else is living in sin and needs to repent and start homeschooling! My friend calls these the "homeschool Nazis," and I didn't know what she was talking about until I encountered them in a homeschool magazine I got! Ack! So now I'm saddled with "non-homeschooling mama guilt" as well! LOL!)
Another humbling experience for me lately (and enormous source of stress) has been the issue of submission in marriage. Feminists, don't get too riled! This is part and parcel of the conservative Christian life, and usually it works beautifully and easily. For example, my hubbie has the habit of signing up for martial arts classes... constantly. He gets super excited, buys all the gear, starts classes... and quits 2-4 weeks later. Fine. It's exasperating, but it doesn't directly involve me or my life. I just do my best to say, "Sure, dear!" and wait for him to get over it. Not too bad. But right now, DH is in the middle of making a rather large decision for our family that will greatly affect me and my life. And if it goes the way I think it will, I'm going to be very upset about it. For, say, 5 or 10 or 20 years or so. Minimum. But I do understand his reasons, and I'm willing (in an unwilling sort of way) to go along with it. I'm just really hoping that this is the right decision, because it involves almost everything I care about. I don't want to drag my feet and prevent what God wants for our life by interfering with DH's leadership.... but I don't want to have to deal with the fallout of a bad decision if this is not truly God's will and is just DH striking out on his own. So right now I'm just really praying for God's guidance for both of us, so that we'd be on the same page and have peace about whichever way the decision goes - and that we'd be going the right way! (If you don't believe in submission, please DON'T leave a comment telling me about it - I promise this is voluntary!)
A further note: When it's all over, will I be able to have the grace to move on without nagging continually and voicing ceaseless regrets? And will I have the further grace to put a "we" into it, as in "we have decided"? I always remember Anne, in "Anne's House of Dreams," disagreeing violently with Gilbert over a big decision, but after having realized the inevitable, graciously presenting the decision as "we think this is the best thing" when questioned by her neighbor about it. That's a big step of grace! That will be my challenge as well.
For the befuddled reader - sorry for being so vague! This is just my meandering ramblings, so pay no mind. Onward and upward....
In terms of HG, I still find myself torn in terms of birth control. I find myself unwilling to do anything permanent to end our reproductive life... but I know that I should. And I would NOT be happy to find myself pregnant! For one thing, I've got my hands full parenting two kidlets. For another thing, I was barely able to care for #1 while #2 was on the way - and that was on mega doses of Zofran and Unisom! Only God knows how #1 and #2 would be able to survive if a #3 was on the way. But I find (TMI alert ahead) that having the possibility of pregnancy is so terrifying that I don't want DH anywhere near me, and that just can't continue for the next 20 years. And regular forms of birth control just aren't sure enough to be sure! So we've got to find our answers soon.
Does that answer why I'm stressed?
With that in mind, here are the resolutions I've been working on:
(1) I am giving up the following - ironing (ha!), elaborate housekeeping (ha, ha!), elaborate hairstyles (ha, ha, ha!), and time-intensive cooking (ha, ha, ha, ha!)
(2) I am doing my best to keep my house only "reasonably clean" - that being, clean enough for my sanity. I can't stop housecleaning completely, because that drives me to the point of being so stressed that I can't think straight or talk civilly, but I'm trying to limit it to 20 minutes a day
(3) I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with my kids, playing and doing things with them
(4) I'm also trying to spend lots of time with them reading and going to the library
(5) I'm doing my best to use my crockpot almost every day, with super-easy recipes. Sorry, no time for anything else!
(6) I'm doing my best to (for now, *sob*!!) neglect my passion for birth subjects in order to focus on family until I get a handle on this parenting thing. I'm reading wildly on the subject (instead of having 5 birth books going at once) and also on the topics of education, homeschooling, etc.
(7) I'm working on potty training DS. At this point it is ridiculous - he is 3 1/2. I was always told that if I left him alone he'd potty train himself.... Well, it hasn't happened. He goes occasionally, but nothing consistent. It's definitely a power-ploy at this point. I got a book on the subject and am going to tackle it!
(8) I am working on learning effective parenting - through mentors, books, prayer, etc.
(9) I am working on rebuilding my spiritual life post-HG. It's time. I'll write more on this later on my HG blog, but really... I've just had to accept that I am not going to get the answers I want this side of Heaven. I'm just going to have to trust that there was a reason and that I will know it eventually.
(10) I'm also going to work on slowly rebuilding our life post-baby. With each baby, our social life has been reduced to nil - a year of either being seriously ill (#1) or feeling really yucky (#2), and a year of recovering from having a newborn! So our life is still pretty messed up - but I'm working back into things! Now that baby is 3 months old, I'm starting to think that there might be life after childbirth after all (I remember thinking the same thing at the same point last time!).
Okay, enough! Off to nap! I've had SO many thoughts, ideas, and blog entries (for both blogs) floating around in my mind for months, but just no time to write them out. Ack! Another source of stress! Oh well... life will get better soon. Hopefully some of our crises can resolve themselves so I can focus on only a couple sources of stress rather than a minefield of them, LOL!!
Love to everyone!!
Hubby and son are off to the train museum, and baby is sleeping, so I actually have (*gasp*) free time! I'm going to try to keep it quick, though, because I want a nap too!
As I posted on my birth blog, our breastfeeding bootcamp with baby went terrifically well, and baby is now breastfeeding - he hasn't had a bottle in three weeks! Kudos to our awesome pediatrician, who saved the day with his advice.... he is awesome.
I find myself quite stressed at the moment... just like after the birth of our first son. The postpartum period is really hard for me - probably because I'm so wedded to routines and a clean house. I've loosened up a lot, but still... really, I've been stressed out ever since our first son was born. Evidently I'm not a parent by nature!
But there's also a lot going on in our lives. Our finances are in a near-crisis state, all the more so after I quit my job, but that (though stressful) is probably a good thing because it's forcing us to face our financial skeletons and bad habits and (hopefully!!!!) deal with them! But it's stressful, nonetheless.
Also, I'm trying hard to get a handle on parenting. Parenting has never, never, never been easy for me... I don't take easily to kids, and I had no experience with them prior to the birth of our baby. In fact, parenting has been a lesson in humility (probably also a good thing). Firstly because during my childhood, I was accustomed to being the best in school - easily and without effort. Parenting has been the direct opposite... I watch my friends easily pass me by on the most basic things! So I just watch them and do my best to imitate... but it's not easy! Secondly, because (like most childless couples, I think) I spent my child-free years thinking, "MY child will never act like THAT,".... well, I have been humbled!
Additionally, I'm trying to make up my mind on schooling options for our kiddos. We've thought "homeschooling" for years, but I am having to face the ugly and shameful truth.... I really, really, really DON'T want to homeschool. I've been dreading it for years, and now that it's just around the corner, I haven't yet gained that spark of enthusiasm that has made me do anything except cower with dread. So.... what now? I really don't want to do public, but we have no money for private (see above!!). So we're having to think. Hubby still wants to homeschool, but I'm doing my best to have us look at other options. However, that requires an entire shift in my thinking, as I've been thinking "homeschool" for years. And don't get me wrong - I am completely convinced that homeschooling is the best option out there. When we came to our current church, I met homeschooling families for the first time... and I was BLOWN AWAY!!! These kids are amazing!! I'd never seen anything like it. They're better socialized, better educated, less swayed by peer pressure and media, more able to think for themselves, more involved in the community, more involved in a wide variety of educational venues, not to mention having awesome relationships with their parents and siblings. That's where we got the idea! But the fact remains that I do not think that either I or my son is suited for homeschooling. I'm about ready to explode with stress as it is, and the thought of adding ANOTHER full-time job into the mix brings me to the verge of tears - not ecstasy. But the thought of giving his education into someone else's hands also terrifies me! Not to mention the realities of increased peer pressure, which is just terrifying. So... we'll see.
(Not to mention the fact that there is a whole cotillion of conservative Christians out there who militantly believe that homeschooling is the ONLY right option for Christian parents (or ANY parents), and that anyone who does anything else is living in sin and needs to repent and start homeschooling! My friend calls these the "homeschool Nazis," and I didn't know what she was talking about until I encountered them in a homeschool magazine I got! Ack! So now I'm saddled with "non-homeschooling mama guilt" as well! LOL!)
Another humbling experience for me lately (and enormous source of stress) has been the issue of submission in marriage. Feminists, don't get too riled! This is part and parcel of the conservative Christian life, and usually it works beautifully and easily. For example, my hubbie has the habit of signing up for martial arts classes... constantly. He gets super excited, buys all the gear, starts classes... and quits 2-4 weeks later. Fine. It's exasperating, but it doesn't directly involve me or my life. I just do my best to say, "Sure, dear!" and wait for him to get over it. Not too bad. But right now, DH is in the middle of making a rather large decision for our family that will greatly affect me and my life. And if it goes the way I think it will, I'm going to be very upset about it. For, say, 5 or 10 or 20 years or so. Minimum. But I do understand his reasons, and I'm willing (in an unwilling sort of way) to go along with it. I'm just really hoping that this is the right decision, because it involves almost everything I care about. I don't want to drag my feet and prevent what God wants for our life by interfering with DH's leadership.... but I don't want to have to deal with the fallout of a bad decision if this is not truly God's will and is just DH striking out on his own. So right now I'm just really praying for God's guidance for both of us, so that we'd be on the same page and have peace about whichever way the decision goes - and that we'd be going the right way! (If you don't believe in submission, please DON'T leave a comment telling me about it - I promise this is voluntary!)
A further note: When it's all over, will I be able to have the grace to move on without nagging continually and voicing ceaseless regrets? And will I have the further grace to put a "we" into it, as in "we have decided"? I always remember Anne, in "Anne's House of Dreams," disagreeing violently with Gilbert over a big decision, but after having realized the inevitable, graciously presenting the decision as "we think this is the best thing" when questioned by her neighbor about it. That's a big step of grace! That will be my challenge as well.
For the befuddled reader - sorry for being so vague! This is just my meandering ramblings, so pay no mind. Onward and upward....
In terms of HG, I still find myself torn in terms of birth control. I find myself unwilling to do anything permanent to end our reproductive life... but I know that I should. And I would NOT be happy to find myself pregnant! For one thing, I've got my hands full parenting two kidlets. For another thing, I was barely able to care for #1 while #2 was on the way - and that was on mega doses of Zofran and Unisom! Only God knows how #1 and #2 would be able to survive if a #3 was on the way. But I find (TMI alert ahead) that having the possibility of pregnancy is so terrifying that I don't want DH anywhere near me, and that just can't continue for the next 20 years. And regular forms of birth control just aren't sure enough to be sure! So we've got to find our answers soon.
Does that answer why I'm stressed?
With that in mind, here are the resolutions I've been working on:
(1) I am giving up the following - ironing (ha!), elaborate housekeeping (ha, ha!), elaborate hairstyles (ha, ha, ha!), and time-intensive cooking (ha, ha, ha, ha!)
(2) I am doing my best to keep my house only "reasonably clean" - that being, clean enough for my sanity. I can't stop housecleaning completely, because that drives me to the point of being so stressed that I can't think straight or talk civilly, but I'm trying to limit it to 20 minutes a day
(3) I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with my kids, playing and doing things with them
(4) I'm also trying to spend lots of time with them reading and going to the library
(5) I'm doing my best to use my crockpot almost every day, with super-easy recipes. Sorry, no time for anything else!
(6) I'm doing my best to (for now, *sob*!!) neglect my passion for birth subjects in order to focus on family until I get a handle on this parenting thing. I'm reading wildly on the subject (instead of having 5 birth books going at once) and also on the topics of education, homeschooling, etc.
(7) I'm working on potty training DS. At this point it is ridiculous - he is 3 1/2. I was always told that if I left him alone he'd potty train himself.... Well, it hasn't happened. He goes occasionally, but nothing consistent. It's definitely a power-ploy at this point. I got a book on the subject and am going to tackle it!
(8) I am working on learning effective parenting - through mentors, books, prayer, etc.
(9) I am working on rebuilding my spiritual life post-HG. It's time. I'll write more on this later on my HG blog, but really... I've just had to accept that I am not going to get the answers I want this side of Heaven. I'm just going to have to trust that there was a reason and that I will know it eventually.
(10) I'm also going to work on slowly rebuilding our life post-baby. With each baby, our social life has been reduced to nil - a year of either being seriously ill (#1) or feeling really yucky (#2), and a year of recovering from having a newborn! So our life is still pretty messed up - but I'm working back into things! Now that baby is 3 months old, I'm starting to think that there might be life after childbirth after all (I remember thinking the same thing at the same point last time!).
Okay, enough! Off to nap! I've had SO many thoughts, ideas, and blog entries (for both blogs) floating around in my mind for months, but just no time to write them out. Ack! Another source of stress! Oh well... life will get better soon. Hopefully some of our crises can resolve themselves so I can focus on only a couple sources of stress rather than a minefield of them, LOL!!
Love to everyone!!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
9 weeks postpartum: Finally, a few minutes of free-time
Yes, I'm blogging! Don't get used to it, though.... this is a one-time thing.
So, a LONG story made very short....
We had to start supplementing baby's diet with pumped breastmilk due to dropping weight. Breastfeeding still didn't improve. We found out that baby had tongue-tie and got that corrected, but it was done so late that baby was already good and hooked on the bottle and stayed exclusively-bottlefed. I have thus been tied to the breastpump for the past seven weeks - it's hard work!! Not only is it really hard to work breastpumping around a toddler's schedule, but it's a big time commitment and also rough on one's social schedule (not that we have one at the moment!). If anyone out there is considering bottle-feeding as a "convenient alternative" - DON'T DO IT!!! It's a pain in the neck!!! More details later.
Anyhow, here we are. We've had two appointments with lactation consultants, spent a fortune in breastfeeding paraphernalia (pump rental, bottles, etc.), and are really no closer to getting back to breastfeeding. So today, on our pediatrician's advice, we are going cold turkey. No pumping, no bottle-feeding, no nothing - only breastfeeding. Needless to say, baby is NOT happy! (And neither am I, for that matter - engorgement like this is quite unpleasant!) But I have hopes that he will see the light and convert back. He needs to, or I shall go insane from this breast-pump schedule.
So today is the day, and hubbie and son are out running errands. I've taken a break from nursing-attempts to blog, and I need to get back to it. So... that's all for now! Too bad, because I have lots to write about - but it'll have to wait (for another month or so, most likely). Much love to all, and I'll check in when I can!!
So, a LONG story made very short....
We had to start supplementing baby's diet with pumped breastmilk due to dropping weight. Breastfeeding still didn't improve. We found out that baby had tongue-tie and got that corrected, but it was done so late that baby was already good and hooked on the bottle and stayed exclusively-bottlefed. I have thus been tied to the breastpump for the past seven weeks - it's hard work!! Not only is it really hard to work breastpumping around a toddler's schedule, but it's a big time commitment and also rough on one's social schedule (not that we have one at the moment!). If anyone out there is considering bottle-feeding as a "convenient alternative" - DON'T DO IT!!! It's a pain in the neck!!! More details later.
Anyhow, here we are. We've had two appointments with lactation consultants, spent a fortune in breastfeeding paraphernalia (pump rental, bottles, etc.), and are really no closer to getting back to breastfeeding. So today, on our pediatrician's advice, we are going cold turkey. No pumping, no bottle-feeding, no nothing - only breastfeeding. Needless to say, baby is NOT happy! (And neither am I, for that matter - engorgement like this is quite unpleasant!) But I have hopes that he will see the light and convert back. He needs to, or I shall go insane from this breast-pump schedule.
So today is the day, and hubbie and son are out running errands. I've taken a break from nursing-attempts to blog, and I need to get back to it. So... that's all for now! Too bad, because I have lots to write about - but it'll have to wait (for another month or so, most likely). Much love to all, and I'll check in when I can!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
5 weeks, 5 days postpartum: Too Discombobulated to Think of a Title
Hi, everyone!
This is the quickest of notes to let everyone know that yes, again, I'm still alive - just with no time to blog!! Seriously, my computer time has scaled off to almost zero. I'm either doing round-the-clock baby and child care, or they're napping and I can't use the computer because it often wakes up my preschooler. That, and I'm still tied to the breast pump every 2-3 hours during the day - something that I hope to quit soon, but only time will tell. We have an appointment on Tuesday to see about possibly getting baby's tongue-tie corrected, and after that baby may be able to get back on board with breastfeeding. However, if he has (as I suspect) gotten extremely lazy with his bottle-habit, we may have more work to do before we can kick that habit.
But otherwise, he is growing quite plump and is very healthy - hurray!!
My blogs and my correspondence are definitely suffering, though - I haven't been blogging, I haven't had time to read the blogs I subscribe to, and I have gotten months behind in answering email. If you've emailed me and not heard back, rest assured that everyone is getting the same treatment!
I've been really doing serious thinking about family dynamics and how I want to form our family. Having two children is really a cosmic shift for me, being that I was raised as an only child in a family of only-children. What do we want to do with our family? Do we want to have the boys share a room, or have rooms of their own? What philosophical methods do we want to use for training and discipline? Do we want to homeschool, private school, or charter school? What should our routines be? I'm trying to read, think, and research to get some direction. We've ordered "Shepherding a Child's Heart" to read, and I'm thinking about looking into the PEGS system and Doorposts Ministries (thanks, BreAnna!). There's a lot to determine, especially as parenting does not and never has come naturally to me (unlike most of my friends, who seem to take to it like ducks to water... *sigh*).
I've also made a few resolutions to improve my role as a mother. The first, and by FAR the most difficult, is to (aack! hyperventilating!) do my best to avoid stressing about a house that is less than perfect - in order to spend more time with my children (deep breathing....). I can never be comfortable with a messy house - I find it deeply, fundamentally disturbing. But the truth remains that I simply cannot have a house that is clean to my satisfaction while I have two young children. I just can't - it's not possible. So I'm trying to focus on essential routines (dishes, laundry, meals, pick-up) and allow myself no more than 20 minutes of other cleaning per day (and honestly, that only happens 2-3 times a week max).
Secondly, I'm going to do my best this year to create holiday traditions. I'm pretty hopeless with holidays. I never decorate, we rarely attend holiday events, and I generally forget about the holidays themselves until the night before. For our kidlets' sake, I want to do better with that (within the bounds of sanity) - I have very fond memories of the holidays, and I want our kids to have the same. So this year, I'm going to do my best to make sure we have at least some basic activities going for the holidays.
Well, while I've been writing about improving my family, I've been neglecting my family! So back to work. I'll do my best to check in occasionally... but life is quite hectic right now, so it won't be often. Love to all!!
This is the quickest of notes to let everyone know that yes, again, I'm still alive - just with no time to blog!! Seriously, my computer time has scaled off to almost zero. I'm either doing round-the-clock baby and child care, or they're napping and I can't use the computer because it often wakes up my preschooler. That, and I'm still tied to the breast pump every 2-3 hours during the day - something that I hope to quit soon, but only time will tell. We have an appointment on Tuesday to see about possibly getting baby's tongue-tie corrected, and after that baby may be able to get back on board with breastfeeding. However, if he has (as I suspect) gotten extremely lazy with his bottle-habit, we may have more work to do before we can kick that habit.
But otherwise, he is growing quite plump and is very healthy - hurray!!
My blogs and my correspondence are definitely suffering, though - I haven't been blogging, I haven't had time to read the blogs I subscribe to, and I have gotten months behind in answering email. If you've emailed me and not heard back, rest assured that everyone is getting the same treatment!
I've been really doing serious thinking about family dynamics and how I want to form our family. Having two children is really a cosmic shift for me, being that I was raised as an only child in a family of only-children. What do we want to do with our family? Do we want to have the boys share a room, or have rooms of their own? What philosophical methods do we want to use for training and discipline? Do we want to homeschool, private school, or charter school? What should our routines be? I'm trying to read, think, and research to get some direction. We've ordered "Shepherding a Child's Heart" to read, and I'm thinking about looking into the PEGS system and Doorposts Ministries (thanks, BreAnna!). There's a lot to determine, especially as parenting does not and never has come naturally to me (unlike most of my friends, who seem to take to it like ducks to water... *sigh*).
I've also made a few resolutions to improve my role as a mother. The first, and by FAR the most difficult, is to (aack! hyperventilating!) do my best to avoid stressing about a house that is less than perfect - in order to spend more time with my children (deep breathing....). I can never be comfortable with a messy house - I find it deeply, fundamentally disturbing. But the truth remains that I simply cannot have a house that is clean to my satisfaction while I have two young children. I just can't - it's not possible. So I'm trying to focus on essential routines (dishes, laundry, meals, pick-up) and allow myself no more than 20 minutes of other cleaning per day (and honestly, that only happens 2-3 times a week max).
Secondly, I'm going to do my best this year to create holiday traditions. I'm pretty hopeless with holidays. I never decorate, we rarely attend holiday events, and I generally forget about the holidays themselves until the night before. For our kidlets' sake, I want to do better with that (within the bounds of sanity) - I have very fond memories of the holidays, and I want our kids to have the same. So this year, I'm going to do my best to make sure we have at least some basic activities going for the holidays.
Well, while I've been writing about improving my family, I've been neglecting my family! So back to work. I'll do my best to check in occasionally... but life is quite hectic right now, so it won't be often. Love to all!!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3 weeks, 2 days postpartum: Yes, I'm still alive
And now for 30 seconds worth of blogging:
What a couple of weeks! I have had at least ten blog entries (for both blogs) written in my head, but I simply have no time for writing nowadays! This will be a super-quick entry, mainly just to let everyone know that (1) my blogs are not dead, and (2) I am still alive. :)
My pride got a good bashing two weeks ago when we had our week-visit with our pediatrician and heard the words, "His weight looks awful - you need to start supplementing." (Before everyone gets up in arms, I would like to say that our ped is really breastfeeding-friendly and also alternative-parenting-decision-friendly, so I tend to trust his judgment.)
Now, a bit of history... We had weight-gain issues with our last son too... However, we were able to solve them without supplementing. Our son nursed for two years and nine months, and I never once pumped, gave him formula, or fed him from a bottle. So... I guess I considered myself somewhat of a breastfeeding veteran? In other words, I didn't really anticipate any insurmountable nursing challenges with our newest.
Apparently I was wrong.
After getting the "start supplementing now" directive from our ped, I held out for three miserable days, determined that I could make it work. Well, I couldn't. Try as I might, I could NOT get this kidlet to wake up! Tickling, massage, bare skin, wet washcloths, talking, diaper changes, whatever - he could sleep through it all. So on Monday, after being reduced to tears by the whole thing, I finally gave in and headed for the breastfeeding store to rent a pump. It's been quite an experience, never having even bottle-fed before.
However, his weight did start to turn around, and things have much improved (for some reason it's easier to keep him awake bottle-feeding than breastfeeding). What a relief. Of course, it's rather embarrassing to be bottle-feeding, especially as I'm such a breastfeeding advocate. And I know that we have a HUGE challenge ahead of us in converting a bottle-feeding baby back to the breast (hints, anyone???). I'm trying to still give him some nursing time, but he's not particularly interested (surprise, surprise!). So that will be our next challenge.
And speaking of which, someone around here is hungry! (Hint: He's lying on my lap yowling.) So it's time to go! Much love to all, and I'll attempt to write soon!
What a couple of weeks! I have had at least ten blog entries (for both blogs) written in my head, but I simply have no time for writing nowadays! This will be a super-quick entry, mainly just to let everyone know that (1) my blogs are not dead, and (2) I am still alive. :)
My pride got a good bashing two weeks ago when we had our week-visit with our pediatrician and heard the words, "His weight looks awful - you need to start supplementing." (Before everyone gets up in arms, I would like to say that our ped is really breastfeeding-friendly and also alternative-parenting-decision-friendly, so I tend to trust his judgment.)
Now, a bit of history... We had weight-gain issues with our last son too... However, we were able to solve them without supplementing. Our son nursed for two years and nine months, and I never once pumped, gave him formula, or fed him from a bottle. So... I guess I considered myself somewhat of a breastfeeding veteran? In other words, I didn't really anticipate any insurmountable nursing challenges with our newest.
Apparently I was wrong.
After getting the "start supplementing now" directive from our ped, I held out for three miserable days, determined that I could make it work. Well, I couldn't. Try as I might, I could NOT get this kidlet to wake up! Tickling, massage, bare skin, wet washcloths, talking, diaper changes, whatever - he could sleep through it all. So on Monday, after being reduced to tears by the whole thing, I finally gave in and headed for the breastfeeding store to rent a pump. It's been quite an experience, never having even bottle-fed before.
However, his weight did start to turn around, and things have much improved (for some reason it's easier to keep him awake bottle-feeding than breastfeeding). What a relief. Of course, it's rather embarrassing to be bottle-feeding, especially as I'm such a breastfeeding advocate. And I know that we have a HUGE challenge ahead of us in converting a bottle-feeding baby back to the breast (hints, anyone???). I'm trying to still give him some nursing time, but he's not particularly interested (surprise, surprise!). So that will be our next challenge.
And speaking of which, someone around here is hungry! (Hint: He's lying on my lap yowling.) So it's time to go! Much love to all, and I'll attempt to write soon!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
At Long Last: Birth Story!!!
Tomorrow night is baby’s week birthday, so here goes!! Birth story!!!
(I have to admit that even during the worst labor pains, I was busily writing my birth story. I have a bad habit of writing – mentally – about things even while they’re happening, and there were no exceptions here.)
I know that I’ll be coming back to add/improve/clarify this birth story for at least a month, so this will have to serve as a rough draft at best.
I had a ton of long-lasting pre-labor symptoms that had me living on edge for about 2 weeks before baby actually arrived – a week and a half of an upset tummy, a week of menstrual-type cramps, and 48 hours of blood-tinged mucous. Completely unlike last time (when labor set in suddenly). It was kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop… and it took its time to do so!
On Monday night (August 31st) we had a terrific electrical storm – thunder, lightning and lots of rain. I wondered briefly if “tonight would be the night.” Thankfully we were ready! (We found out later that the storm brought not only our baby, but two more – our midwives had three births that night!! One of our midwives arrived at our labor straight from another birth, and our other midwife arrived at our labor only to have to leave ten minutes later to attend another birth - you can read that birth story here.)
I went to bed sometime around 10:30 p.m. and woke up at 11:36 p.m. to use the restroom. When I sat up, my water broke! But unlike last time, when there was enough fluid to drench several counties (thus making it quite obvious what had happened), this time there was only a small amount of fluid – making me unsure if my water had really broken or not. However, by the time I had made a quick trip to the bathroom to clean up, I had already had one good, strong contraction – and so I knew that this was the real thing.
I went to bed sometime around 10:30 p.m. and woke up at 11:36 p.m. to use the restroom. When I sat up, my water broke! But unlike last time, when there was enough fluid to drench several counties (thus making it quite obvious what had happened), this time there was only a small amount of fluid – making me unsure if my water had really broken or not. However, by the time I had made a quick trip to the bathroom to clean up, I had already had one good, strong contraction – and so I knew that this was the real thing.
I let my husband, Joe, know what had happened and went back to bed in hopes that labor would hold off long enough to get some sleep, as I was quite tired. However, it was not to be. Two strong contractions later I was resigned to the inevitable – so I hopped out of bed and started moving our birth supplies out to the kitchen table and posting the informational signs I had made for our birth team, and generally getting things ready. I was quite nervous.
Sometime around 1:00 a.m., Joe went ahead and called our midwife. I hesitated on letting him do this, as I didn’t want to wake her (not knowing she was already at another birth!), but things were really moving quickly and he thought it would be best. She told him to go ahead and get our doulas, Rose and Nikki, to come over, so he called them and they said that they would be on their way. I was really embarrassed when Joe told me that he had called them already, as I thought that they wouldn’t be needed for several hours and shouldn’t be bothered. However, our midwife was really on-target with that one (surprise, surprise!) – by the time they arrived, I was completely ready to have them there.
When our doulas arrived, I was still able to deal with contractions by closing my eyes and focusing, but within a short time of their arrival I felt the need to start moaning with each contraction. I asked them how soon they thought I could get in the tub, and they said that any time would be good! So they went to start getting things ready in there.
When our doulas arrived, I was still able to deal with contractions by closing my eyes and focusing, but within a short time of their arrival I felt the need to start moaning with each contraction. I asked them how soon they thought I could get in the tub, and they said that any time would be good! So they went to start getting things ready in there.
I should say that despite the hours of research I have put into the subject, the only method of pain management I have found that works for me is making massive amounts of noise – moaning, groaning, shouting, yelling, whatever. Sad, but true! I trust that our birth team is recovering well from their client-induced hearing loss, because I was quite loud – just like last time, but this time I didn’t bother trying to suppress or control it.
I got in the tub sometime around 2:00 a.m., and stayed there for the rest of the labor and birth. Things really moved along quickly. Contractions got more and more and more painful, and I got louder and louder and louder! That about sums it up. Having our doulas there was a wonderful godsend – their coaching, encouragement and physical help were lovely. It didn’t reduce the pain, but it made it less of a panic-stricken ordeal and more of a journey with companions who had been there before. If you don’t have a doula, get one!!!
Our midwife arrived at 4:00-something, and our second midwife arrived shortly thereafter – however, she had to leave for another birth within a short time, so one of their students was called to help out. We were sorry to lose our other midwife, but their student did a terrific job as well.
I found it super-interesting to notice changes between my first and second labors. For one thing, it didn’t get as painful or as terrifying. It was still hard and extremely painful, but it never reached the level of labor #1. My estimate is that it got to about 70% of labor #1, plus or minus about 15%.
Additionally, I stayed much more cognizant of my surroundings. With my first labor, I was really out of it. I didn’t notice most of what was going on or being said, I didn’t notice anything that was being brought in or done around me, and I completely lost the ability to communicate verbally with anyone (I spent about 2 hours trying to say hello to my midwives – never managed it.) With this labor, I noticed most of what was going on (people arriving, equipment being brought in, etc.) and was able to hold a conversation throughout my entire labor (though I refrained through most of active labor due to fatigue and the need to focus – but I was always able to communicate when I wanted to). I even managed to greet all three of our midwives and hold (extremely) brief conversations with each of them. Fascinating! That fact alone made me think that I was a lot less further along than I really was.
Our three-year-old woke up at 5:00 a.m., and Joe got him started with some toys, which kept him happy. He wandered in and out of the bathroom at various intervals, always pausing to spout some of his birth knowledge (“Mommy has to make noise to get the baby out”) and adding a tag about Winnie the Pooh (“And Tiggers don’t like honey!”). He was completely unphased throughout the whole thing. According to my best memory, he was present during the entire pushing phase and the birth, as intense as it got, and dealt with it perfectly. We had set up a babysitting team who ended up being unable to be there for the birth, but thankfully he didn’t even need much supervision – our preparation definitely paid off! He was just fine.
We tried counterpressure duing one contraction, and it was very powerful – unfortunately, it made the contraction much worse! Also, for some reason I felt really uneasy facing the back of the tub. So after half of a contraction, we gave that up.
During what I guess was transition I had my one big throwing-up spell, just like last time. I was worried that it might be earlier (I’d recently heard a midwife say that some moms throw up at 4 cm and then again at 8 cm, or some such thing), but it was actually pretty close to the end.
Second stage was fascinating. Last time I had no idea when the dilation phase edged into the pushing stage – it was a gradual and hazy transition that I never noticed. This time, the change was instantaneous and noticeable. After one contraction, the lights in my head switched back on, and I opened my eyes and looked around – “Hello, everyone! I’m back!” It was amazing! What a complete switch! One of our doulas said that she noticed the switch actually happening in the middle of a contraction – it started as a dilation contraction and ended as a pushing contraction. Wow!
Pushing contractions started immediately. Now, I must say… I hate pushing. I really hate pushing. I often hear women say that pushing is a relief for them, but for me… no. Pushing is just as bad or worse than dilation, even though the contractions themselves are less painful. So with the beginning of pushing, I was pleased to find out that I could control the urge to push – and not push! (Heh, heh, heh… I’m supposed to be pushing, but I’m NOT!!! Mwa ha ha ha!) It was great.
Unfortunately, that lasted for only 3-5 contractions. At that point (and this gets a bit hazy, so don’t quote me on the order of things), I had a forebag emerging (where the bag of waters emerges intact in front of the head) – I’m not sure what I thought it was, but when it burst…. Well, with apologies for the profanity, all hell broke loose as far as I was concerned. My body started pushing violently, completely apart from my own willpower, and so I was dealing with tremendous pain. Pushing had started in earnest!
I checked his head to see how far he was descending, and it was encouraging – quite low, with just the thinnest rim of cervix (which wasn’t a problem at all) - though in between contractions his head would shoot all the way back up out of reach (our midwife said that this is typical of multip labors – unlike primip labors, in which progress tends to be a steadier 2-forward-1-back progress).
Then our midwife came over to check heart tones (which she’d been doing all along), and things got even more intense because baby was having some serious heart decels – down into the 80’s with bad recoveries. She immediately said, “Okay, this baby needs to come out NOW,” and started helping to coach some pretty intense pushing. I pretty much lost all control at this point and was screaming my head off! Pushing was bad enough, but sustained and hurried pushing was worse. However, as before, I reached a point where I finally gave in and thought, “Well, if I really have to push out a bowling ball covered in broken glass shards, I may as well get on with the job” – and started pushing like a maniac. Once we got his head out, our midwife helped to deliver the rest of the body (thank goodness!) to help hurry that part along. Baby was born at 6:47 a.m., and Joe was able to catch.
(Apparently something similar happened with our first son, though in a much more minor way, but I was too out of it to notice – I hadn’t known anything was wrong until after the birth when my husband told me about it. However, our first son was crying almost on the perineum and was completely fine immediately (additionally, his decels hadn’t gone so low and had a better recovery in between contractions. This baby didn’t have good recovery between contractions and was a much slower and harder starter.)
When baby came out, his color was not too great (grey-purple) and he was none too anxious to start breathing/crying. We stimulated him on my chest and our midwife suctioned him repeatedly with her DeLee (first time I’d seen a DeLee in action – very cool). I have no conception of time, but it definitely took a while to get him going.
For some reason, I was not worried at all during the time it took to get baby started. I'd been paranoid about him for the entire pregnancy, but now I really felt that everything was going to be just fine - and it was.
Meanwhile, I was getting really uncomfortable from third-stage contractions. Eventually (quite a while later, actually) I got out of the pool to try to deliver the placenta, and it fell out as soon as I squatted down. Hurray! I had specifically requested no cord traction unless an emergency occurred, and that was just lovely. It took longer, but what a relief!
I moved onto the bed, but unfortunately (as with my first birth) I was immediately hit with rather yucky afterpains that made the immediate postpartum extremely unpleasant and completely prevented nursing for several hours. However, this gave Joe some great time with the baby, which he very much enjoyed.
We had decided to utilize placenta medicine, but for those with weak stomachs, I will not detail that here.
Last time we had the distinction of having a super-long umbilical cord… This time we had a super-large placenta!! Fun!!!
Upon examination of our placenta, it was confirmed that our water did break twice, just as I’d thought.
I loved looking at the placenta – so fascinating!! Last time I didn’t even really give it a glance. Mamas of the world, check out your placentas! They’re beautiful things!
Our birth team got going about three hours after the birth (when they were all ready to drop), and we were left with our beautiful newborn!
I can’t say I’m left with an immediate “Let’s do it again!” feeling…. But I loved being at home, I adored our lovely birth team, and I had a great experience of being respected, loved and treated with the utmost care. All in all, a great birth! Thank you, birth team!!
Baby Glenn Matthew
Born at home on Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 at 6:47 a.m.
7 pounds, 15.5 ounces, 21 inches long
Saturday, September 5, 2009
39 weeks, 5 days.... Plus 5 days: Baby is Here!
I'm sorry to have been so remiss! Baby arrived Tuesday morning at 6:47 a.m. following a lightning-fast labor (~7 hours) that started with my water breaking at 11:36 p.m. on Monday night. Against all expectations baby was a BOY whom we have named Glenn, and whose feeding and care are the reasons that my blogs have been ignored! I have about a 5-page birth story manuscript brewing in my head (I have so much to write about!!), so it'll probably be a while before I get that published - hopefully sometime next week before DH goes back to work. Anyhow, I just wanted to get that announcement out - I'll write more later, hopefully! Love to all!
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