Mourning

This week we are mourning with our friends J. and T. as they grieve the loss of their twins in an early miscarriage. J. and T. are participants in a relatively new phenomenon known as "embryo adoption" in which IVF (in-vitro fertilization) parents give their remaining embryo-babies up for adoption. J&T have twelve embryo-babies, two of which are now in heaven, and ten of which are still waiting to be transferred. We are all heart-broken over their loss and are praying for their healing as well as for successful future transfers.

I wanted to share a very precious letter that a dearly-loved person wrote for me on the death of our first little one by miscarriage:

"Dear Mommy and Daddy,

"We don't know each other very well because we weren't together very long, but I want you to know I felt your love and anticipation and excitement.

"I know you would make great parents but you can't imagine how wonderful it is being in heaven. Jesus welcomed me into His arms with a big hug and then introduced me to my Gramma Fern. We are having a great time together. She is telling me all about you, Mommy, when you were born and how you grew up. She is very proud of you. We'll have lots to catch up on when you get here!

"I just want you to know I am loved and well cared for here just as I would have been if I had stayed with you. But we have to obey Jesus when He says come home so that's what I did.

"I'm giving you this little bear (included with letter) to be a reminder of me until we meet in heaven - soon I hope!

"I LOVE YOU,

"Until"

May God bless all babies who are born asleep, and all parents who must wait until heaven to meet their precious little ones.

Notes on Life

Just a quick note!

We got our house last week, and my parents have come out to AZ to help us get it livable - so my blogging time is apt to be very little over the next month or so - not to mention the fact that we're probably going back to dial-up after our move, so it may be reduced permanently! I don't know - we'll see. But I wanted to write a quick note to explain that this blog is not dead - it's just going to be on a bit of a sabbatical.

I'm learning a lot working on the house. Growing up, I groused so much about helping with home-improvement projects (which I do not enjoy) that my parents let me off the hook - with the result that until now, I have done nothing more home-improvement-wise than hang a picture! Seriously! This week I have been ridiculously proud of myself for learning to remove doorknobs!! LOL Hopefully a preview of more to come, for I am absurdly ignorant.

Our house is lovely, but it does have some serious issues due to severe neglect. Its previous owners didn't beat it to a pulp, like some other houses we saw, but they neglected it so badly that they might as well have. There are literally masses of cobwebs hanging from the ceiling!! And there are things like water damage from neglected leaks, corrosion from mineral build-up gone mad and not taken care of, appliances that have to be trashed because they weren't cleaned in so long that they're no longer redeemable, etc. But I'm learning a lot! And DS is having a blast having a larger space to roam and a bit yard to play in.

So that's about all! I'll try to check back in periodically. Love to all!!
Diana

My Life, the Short Summary

I have about 30 seconds to blog, so this will definitely have to be finished later....

Life has been busy lately! I find that both my stress levels and my blogging time are directly linked to the length of my toddler's sleeping times (one indirectly proportionally, one proportionally) and his sleep times have been shorter than short lately - thus, no blogging time! Both of my blogs have been neglected drastically.

I've also realized that I need to refocus a bit. Lately I've been going crazy researching HG and homebirth midwifery, and while both of those need to continue, I need to be reading other material as well. I want to be reading more spiritually-minded Christian books, and I also want to be reading child-raising and homeschooling books. We're pretty sure we're going to homeschool our little fellow, and I have under a year till "preschool" starts. By that time I want to be well-researched, well-prepared, and dug into the homeschool community a bit. A year isn't much time to do that! So I am trying to figure out a balancing act between my beloved hobby of homebirth research, my much-needed research into HG, and my other real-life needs of marriage, parenting, and homeschool reading. Not to mention pleasure reading!

Right now I am reading....

"Mansfield Park" - Jane Austen
"Margin" - Richard Swenson
"Infertility for Dummies" - by two women, and no, I'm not going to go look it up
"Finding Your Purpose as a Mom" - Donna Otto (great!)
"Feminine Appeal" - Caroline Mahaney
"The Natural Pregnancy Book" - Aviva Romm (tops!!)

And have just finished "The Mother of All Pregnancy Books," "Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth," "Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year," and a couple others. And I've got a huge stack of homeschooling books on my desk waiting for me, courtesy of my wonderful church ladies - plus a Beth Moore Bible Study! So yes, I am over-committed, reading-wise.

I have a bad habit of starting too many books... It's not uncommon for me to have books out from two libraries, plus books borrowed from multiple people, plus books of my own that I've picked up! So I've put a moratorium on book-borrowing until I'm through with all that.

I am reading an amazing book right now called "Margin" by Richard Swenson. It is AMAZING. Until further notice, my life keyword is "margin" - referring to the practice of rejecting modern progress's time-stressed rat race style of living and keeping large amounts of "margin" - social, financial, time, emotional, etc. - in my life for friendships, stress-free (or nearly that) living, marriage, free time, helping others on the spur of the moment, etc. It's not easy in our culture which promotes and values busyness, but I want to make it my new goal.

Well, in terms of the election, what can I say? The first thing that comes to mind is, "Darn, Darn, Darn." Or, alternately, "God help us all." Well, it should be interesting, at least.... And anyhow, most of the propositions here in Arizona went the way we wanted them to, so that's some consolation.

Well, DH and DS (at this time of night, known as "crankerbug") are back, so my blogging is at an end!

Yogurt - At Last!

I knew that I needed to do something when our yogurt consumption passed the gallon-a-week mark. I discovered plain yogurt when our baby started solid foods, and I LOVED it (the other stuff is too sweet!!!) and have been addicted ever since. With three of us eating it, it goes quickly, and we were spending more than $10/week on yogurt.

I'd tried to make it myself before, but the method was just too time-consuming (read: hours a week). So I did a bit of research and came up with my own method, and it works beautifully! And it's FAST. Feel free to make your own alterations to the method!

World-Famous Crockpot Yogurt
You will need:

1 4- or 5- crock-pot liner with lid
1 tablespoon
1 whisk
1 large pot
1 bath towel

- Milk, whole or 2% - 1 gallon
- Yogurt - one really heaping tablespoon (probably same as 2 level tablespoons) per quart of milk you use

Making yogurt takes about half a day. Start either in the morning (to have it ready at night) or in the evening (to have it ready in the morning.

Utensils should be clean but do not need to be sterilized.

1. Put milk in pot. Bring to 180F over medium-low heat. Use your whisk to stir often and heat only on medium at most to avoid scorching. (Since you're heating the whisk along with the milk, you don't need to sterilize it.)

2. Remove from heat. Move to back of stove and let sit until cooled to about 115 degrees Fahrenheit. This will take 20-90 minutes depending on your kitchen temperature. If it gets too cool, just give it a quick blast on the stove to warm it back up.

3. Fill crockpot liner with hot water to warm. Let it sit while you prepare the milk.

4. Add yogurt to milk (one heaping tablespoon yogurt per quart of milk). Pour water out of crockpot and pour milk mixture in. Replace lid. Place crock pot in your oven and cover with doubled bath towel. Give your oven a quick blast of heat (20-30 seconds) and then turn off. If you remember, you can give it another quick blast before bedtime. Leave overnight.

4. In the morning, voila! Yogurt! Refrigerate at least 4 hours before using.


Notes:

- In the beginning, you will notice a lot of whey (liquid) forming whenever you let it sit or take a spoonful. Just drain it off with a spoon each time you get yogurt. Whey can be saved and used in recipes in place of buttermilk.

- Yogurt will become more tart the longer you let it sit. This also lowers the carb count. Additionally, as the carbs in yogurt are in mostly the whey, the yogurt becomes more low-carb the more you drain off the whey.

- New yogurt is not very fond of being moved into a new container (it can disintegrate somewhat). If you can spare the fridge space, let it stay in there a few days, draining the whey each time you get yogurt. In a few days it will thicken enough so that it can be moved into another container without trauma.

Enjoy!

Moving Forward

Well, our home inspection is set for tomorrow! We are really praying for the Lord's will. We are both totally and completely in love with this beautiful house, but we also have severe doubts as to how we will pay to live in it! So please pray with us that the Lord's will would be done and that we would not get ourselves buried up to our necks in a financial burden that we won't be able to handle!

Am I nervous about this leap? Just a LITTLE.

As life progresses this fall I feel myself little by little working into a place in which I might be willing to face another pregnancy. It's not easy. Making peace with the past is one thing, but making peace with the past which will repeat itself in the future is quite another thing. But last month's pregnancy scare really jolted me into action in terms of finishing research and getting ready, so I feel that I would be able to gear into action more smoothly if I did get a surprise baby one of these days.

Of course, I do want to wait until we're in our house, unpacked and somewhat stabilized. That would be good. But mentally and medically, I do feel like the time is getting closer when I'll be ready.

I am so thankful that the Lord has given me so much time. When I first started my monthly round of pregnancy scares a year ago, I was NOT ready for another baby (or pregnancy), mentally, emotionally or physically. HG just takes too big of a toll on one's body and mind. Now that two and a half years have passed, I feel slightly more ready.

That, and all of my friends around me are having babies! One just had a baby, two have babies who will be putting in appearances this winter, and one is soon-to-be-pregnant. I feel like hopping in! And if I had conveniently fluffy pregnancies, I probably already would have done so (assuming we're even able to get pregnant, which I don't know).

This will be a busy upcoming month. I'll post as often as I can!

Oh, and I've started making and drinking red raspberry leaf & nettle tea! I'm so proud of myself! They're both tonic herbs specifically good for women, and red raspberry leaf is a morning sickness remedy (as well as a uterine tonic for labor prep). I feel so herbalist-y and sophisticated!!

Phew. Phew. Phew.

What a week. What a WEEK!!

My goodness.

Okay.....

So anyhow, this past week was "that time of the month" when I'm wondering if we've conceived or not and if this is "time to pay the hyperemesis piper." Well, I was absolutely convinced that I really was pregnant this time! (Not that I'm not convinced every month, but this was an especially intense one.) My luteal phase, which is 9-10 days, has never, ever gone longer than eleven days on occasion - this month it went to twelve days. I was FREAKING OUT!! Luteal phases are just NOT supposed to do that!!!

Of course, that raises the possibility of an early miscarriage. It's definitely possible. It'll probably take about another six months of charting to know. If my luteal phase is finally lengthening out, then 12-day luteal phases will become more normal over the next stretch of time. If it was an early miscarriage, then it will be the one-and-only 12-day luteal phase. It will be interesting to see. But I didn't feel particularly pregnant, so I'm guessing that it's my luteal phase lengthening.

So anyhow, yesterday I decided to go ahead and get an appointment with my consulting OB for early next week, so this morning I emailed and cancelled (I was too embarrassed to call!).

I have been an utter stress case the past, oh, week or so. I have been basically living on a steady overdose of adrenaline!!! As usual, it's a combination of pure, exhilerating joy and pure, debilitating terror - alternating between the two. Last night I was so incredibly stressed out thinking about HG recurring that I was actually up till 1:00 a.m., unable to sleep (which is totally unusual for me - I like to be asleep by 9:30 p.m.!) and basically just freaking out. I just lay there with my heart racing, thinking, "Oh, my God, I can't do this. I just can't. I can't do this again."

I have also spent this week making massive plans for what I would need to do if I was pregnant, and it was a HUGE list - another reason for my stress this week! Packing our house up, writing our Christmas letter, planning for our choral ensemble to be able to get along without me, getting substitutes for work, backing out of church and volunteer activities, dealing with our home purchase, dealing with my mother (who would be mad as a hornet if I got pregnant during our home purchase), and much, much more. I've also been making grocery lists for supplements, etc. etc. etc. So I've been busy! Physically and mentally. Mentally and spiritually, it's been exhausting.

Of course, it's been very productive as well. I finished my "post-conception HG-prevention protocol" which I have posted on this blog, and I have submitted it to various sources for review, including:

- My consulting-OB staff
- My midwife
- www.hypermesis.org
- Shonda Parker's website (she gives advice for a fee)
- Motherisk NVP hotline

The cool thing (now that I'm NOT pregnant) is that each of these sources is taking longer than expected to respond (I haven't gotten final answers from any of them yet), so I have at least another month to receive and review each answer and then complete my protocol. Considering that I was planning on doing my supplement shopping this morning, I would have been extremely frustrated to have to shop without having the return data to go from.

So, the lesson for post-HG mothers who are considering conceiving again: Do your research now! Have your plan and protocol in place before you conceive so that you're ready to go as soon as you suspect you're pregnant. If one waits until one is pregnant to begin research, it's going to take longer than anticipated!

Oddly enough, I was terribly disappointed to find out that I was not pregnant (yes, I do seem to be certifiably insane). Well, the human race wouldn't last very long if the Lord hadn't given women this undeniable batty-ness over having children! :)

And now I think that I shall go collapse in a heap. And stay there for the next two weeks.

Love,
Diana

* P.S. A spiritual note: I have realized that I need to get serious about memorizing Bible verses more systematically. I have never been big on Bible memorization - I'm good on reading, but not memorizing. But last night when I just so filled with fear, the only thing that helped was repeating Bible verses focusing on the love and care of God - and I realized how very few I knew by heart. I realized then how incredibly important it is to have those verses actually in my head and heart rather than just on paper for those inevitable tough times of life. I'm going to try to focus on that in the future.

My first birth publication!

I am so excited!! My birth story was included in a book of Arizona birth stories/art, and I just received the book in the mail! So fun!! It's called "Our Stories, Our Births: A compilation of birth art, poetry, letters and intimate birth narratives told by mothers in Arizona."

Of course, it's nothing to be super-proud of, because there was no "selection" - everyone who submitted material was included!

But it's my first time any of my "childbirth writing" has been put in actual print, and I am just excited about that!! Hopefully it's not the only time I'll be able to write on the subject.

In other news....

We have a gigantic spider hanging out in our storage closet. Actually, he/she has been there for months, but I was reminded of it yesterday when my vacuum struck her web and she rushed out and attacked the vacuum cleaner! I did a pretty good version of Patrick McManus's "Modified Stationary Panic," but I forgot the Russian dance steps - I had to settle for leaping upwards, dropping the vacuum and shouting something like, "Eergghhh!"

I am not a fan of spiders. I wouldn't let DH kill the spider, because it's obviously not a black widow or a brown recluse, and I don't like any unnecessary killing. But I'm giving the storage shed a wide berth! Maybe I'll get my dad to relocate it when he's out next. I'm thinking it's a female Southern House Spider - that's the closest I could come to identification. Ergh.

Our house purchase still eludes us! Bid #11 seems also to be slipping away from us, but we still hope.

Update

Well, DH finally cracked.

Actually, he didn't really crack.... It was forced upon him.

Explanation: DH has been doing this new low-carb-type diet for the past four weeks. I sort of did it with him for a week (I was cheating at the 3-day mark), but then quit. I'm just not cut out for low-carb living (I went to baking & pastry school, for goodness' sake!). But anyway, it's been really successful for DH - he lost something like 25 pounds in those 4 weeks.

Anyhow, on Thursday he started feeling yucky. He ended up taking half the day off on Friday and was out of sorts and feeling badly all day. He couldn't figure out what was wrong. Eventually, when he got on the phone with his sister, who is the guru of all things low-carb, she was able to instantly diagnose his issue - being that he had done too much low-carb too quickly, and was having a fairly common bad reaction. The solution? Eat carbs and go about the whole thing more moderately. And he obeyed! He's feeling much better. He's decided to ditch Diet Evolution for now (thank heavens!) and try to switch over to The Maker's Diet instead (which is a much more balanced diet, though not as good for quick weight loss). Hallelujah!!!

Here's a funny (though somewhat gross) story about Diet Evolution (skip if you're squeamish):

This diet completely ditches all ground grains - including pasta. Well, one "replacement pasta" is shirataki noodles, which are made from tofu. One disadvantage of the noodles is that, although they taste okay once cooked (just a bit rubbery), they smell fishy while you're preparing them. With my post-HG stomach (much more easily nauseated than it used to be), that was not a good thing! But the worst part... I guess these things aren't too digestible!! So I fed them to my toddler, and later, when changing his diaper (pause while I go throw up!!) there they were, in all their glory, looking for everything like the worst infestation of intestinal parasites you've seen north of South America. Aaackkk!!! The other packages have sat in our fridge, uneaten, ever since. I'm going to try to get up the guts to cook them and get them GONE this week so that I can forget about them.

Other than that, the response to our eleventh house bid is still silent and unavailing! We live in hope.

And I think that FOUR blog entries is enough for one day!!

The reason I'm blogging so much: I'm in "that time of the month" when I have to wait 2 weeks or so to find out if "this is the month" or not. I am always over-zealous in my HG research during those two weeks, because I feel like time is running out!! So I'm trying to get more bases covered just in case. I've learned a lot just today!!

Blog Review: "Bring the Rain"

This is so fascinating....

I just this morning commented in my book review (last post) that C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain" was a great book but that it simply couldn't touch my heart in terms of understanding human suffering. A couple of hours later, while checking a friend's blog, I clicked on her link to another blog, "Bring the Rain."

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

I spent the next hour completely neglecting my poor toddler (thankfully he has a new CD player with which he is entranced) while I read this blog and cried my eyes out over it (which, if you know me, is completely uncharacteristic).

"Bring the Rain" is a blog written by a mother who learned, when she was partway through her fifth pregnancy, that her baby had too many health problems to live, and would die at birth. She completed the pregnancy with this knowledge, having to select her daughter's coffin and grave marker before she was even born. Seeing the tiny pictures of her after birth, and her sweet little wooden coffin, was just overwhelming.

I had actually heard a very similar story before, in a testimony by a woman at a local church. She and her husband lost their first child shortly after birth due to health problems. They then had three healthy children, but when pregnant with their fifth found out that the child would not live past birth. They, too, had to deal with grieving for a child who was still living and not even yet born.

This blog spoke more to me about the depth of human suffering, from a Christian perspective, than all of Lewis's book could do. That's not Lewis's fault - he is a spectacular author and did a great job with the book. But when speaking of suffering, academic treatises just won't do. One word from someone who has "been there, done that" is worth volumes of academic work on the meaning of human pain.

In some ways, that very fact is an answer to my "why?" - suffering occurs, in part, so that we will have the ability to comfort others. We can all sympathize, but one cannot truly comfort someone who is hurting until one has been through it oneself.

I was floored by this young mother's Christian maturity. I'm not saying stoicism, resignation, or anything like that - I'm saying the ability to trust God, to keep coming back to him even in the midst of hurt - something I haven't quite learned.

Here's something the mother, Angie, says regarding an earlier pregnancy with twins, in which she very nearly lost both babies:

"I was on magnesium sulfate for three and a half weeks (the stuff is nasty...I hallucinated that my IV pole was a robot and told Audra to let the trick-or-treaters in one night...she told me she loved me, put on a Jim Brickman CD, and turned off the lights). I was on a lot of medication to keep me out of labor, including a pump thing that I had to inject myself with. Time passed slowly, slowly. I was really scared and depressed, and I want to tell you something else, because we are all friends here, and I think you should know.

"I hardly ever opened my Bible.

"I believed in Him. The whole story. I loved Him fully, but I learned to keep Him at arm's length in the event that He let me down. I hate that part of the story, and if I could do it over...well, I can't. I just have to know that He pursued me even when I acted like a jilted bride. He wanted me when I didn't want Him. He taught me about Himself, even as I resisted loving Him back. I am forever grateful for the tenderness He showed me during that time, and the grace He showed me when I came running back with remorse in my heart."

How she felt then is how I have felt over the past couple of years. Yes, I love God, but I want to keep him at arm's length. Having seen how deeply he hurt me in the past, I feel like I can't trust him now. I'm still working on this. But I didn't open my Bible for almost the entirety of my pregnancy, and have had a hard time since.

I have spent a lot of time unconsciously debating between physical and emotional pain. Which is worse? How to compare the two? etc. etc. Although it's an interesting question (which is worse? unbearable physical agony, or unbearable mental torment?), it really doesn't have any purpose. Suffice it to say that pain is pain, torment is torment, and the resulting spiritual downward spiral can be the same.

This woman is an example to me, and I hope to follow her lead in terms of trusting God, studying the Bible, and preparing myself spiritually.

Life has rather frightened me ever since hyperemesis. That disease gave me a brief glimpse into the unplumbed depths of human suffering that lay open to each of us, and it is impossible to know which types of suffering we will each encounter in this life. Right now I am unprepared, spiritually speaking, and I know it - for physical or emotional pain. I'm trying to work through things from my time with HG, but I know that I need to quit wasting time and jump back on the bandwagon. Even if I never get pregnant again, suffering will intrude into my life in some form or another, and I need to be spiritually ready.

I really recommend this blog!

Love,
Diana

Book Review: "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis

What a busy week! I've had a lot of fun setting up my other blog. I feel like it really uncluttered this blog, at least mentally - I had so much stuff running through my mind about both hyperemesis and homebirth midwifery that I just didn't know how to sort them out in one blog. I think that two blogs will work much better - as long as I don't double the amount of time I spend blogging!! I mean to keep a strict eye on that.

I've decided that I'll probably keep most of my "personal," i.e. day-to-day blogs on this blog, simply because my other blog is more of an interest-blog, while this blog is more wrapped up in my personal/spiritual/emotional life. I'll probably post occasional personal blogs on the other account, but I'll save most of it for here.

Well, I have three book reviews to do this week so that I can get these books back to the library, so here goes number two!!

The Problem of Pain
C.S. Lewis
Touchstone, 1962, 141 pages

"I can stand anything but pain!"
- Oscar Levant, in "The Bandwagon"

This is not an easy review to write. For me, trying to critique C.S. Lewis is something along the lines of like trying to critique God. It's not that C.S. Lewis is on the same level as God, of course, but simply that they both are so far beyond me that trying to critique either of them is something of an presumptuous absurdity! So rest assured that I am aware of that fact as I write this.

Whenever I read C.S. Lewis my mind and my soul mature by at least 50 years. In case you can't tell, I am a major, major fan of this man and his writings. I started out at a young age with the Narnian series and have been in love ever since. Oddly enough, though, I have not read all of his books - or even most of them. I was, therefore, pleased to have the job of reading this book just to catch up on more of his writings!

First of all, I will mention the one thing that I didn't like, and that is his chapter on animal pain. I had read a quote by Madeline L'Engle a long time ago, in which she said that she gave up on Lewis's writings for a long while after reading his dismissive treatment of animal pain in "The Problem of Pain." For the most part, I agree with her, and I do not particularly agree with Lewis's treatment of the subject of animal pain. I find it rather cold, callous, anthropocentric, uncompassionate, and others. However, I am not saying that he is wrong, simply because I do not have the mental resources to refute him! And for all I know, he may be right (though I doubt it).

Enough of that. Moving on....

I am a little confused as to how to proceed with this review, because if I wrote all that I had to say, I would be here for weeks - literally. There are so many good quotes here! Let me just pull out a few:

First of all, on the difference between the lovingkindness of God and the "kindness" which we all wish was an attribute of God:

"By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness, and by this we may be right. And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness - the desire to see others than the self happy; not happy in this way or in that, but just happy. What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long as they are contented?'..... But since it is abundantly clear.... that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction..... There is kindness in Love; but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness.... is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it.... Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering. As Scripture points out, it is bastards who are spoiled; the legitimate sons... are punished. It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms; with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes. If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense." (p. 35-37)

It's so true! I do wish for a "kind" rather than a truly "loving" God - one who looks after my comfort rather than my ultimate good or holiness. Sometimes, I think, we do confuse kindness with love, and vice versa.

"The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it."(p. 82)

So true!!! The times of my greatest spiritual apathy are often when all is well and tranquil. When I am self-satisfied and complacent are probably my times of greatest self-wilfulness and pride. It is when my true nature and state are revealed to me that I truly turn to God.

"If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us." (p. 85)

What more can I say than "Amen!" He hits it right on the nail.

Thus, the purposes and/or reasons of/for pain, according to Lewis, are:

(1) The consequence of combining fallen nature and free will
(2) For the purpose of sanctification and/or leading us to redemption and faith

I concur completely with Lewis's assessment.

Lewis gives thorough treatment to the following aspects of human pain: man's Fall and wickedness, divine goodness, Hell, Heaven, and human suffering. It's very clear and easy-to-follow, and the treatment is excellent.

The one complaint I have (and it's not even really a complaint) was that this book seemed to touch me on only a mental rather than an emotional or "soul" level. I came away full of knowledge, but not satisfied. I think that that is the inevitable end of a work which treats such a deeply soul-wrenching subject on a theological or logical level. It's rather like going through a deeply hurtful time in one's life - a hug can do more than all the detailed explanations of why one is hurting. Thus, while I felt like this book was valuable and a "must read," I did not come away with all of my questions answered on a deep enough level for real satisfaction.

A friend mentioned that I should read "A Grief Observed" (also by Lewis) after this book, as it treats the subject on a more emotional level, and I plan to do so.

Unfortunately, as this was a library book, I was not able to underline and make margin notes, so many of the quotes that I had planned to bring into this review have quietly faded into oblivion. Well, it'll have to wait! Rest assured that this is an excellent book, well worth the read and the purchase, and one that I will definitely be adding to my collection.

Rating: The best!!

I'll be posting a review of Jenna Schmidt's "Body Mutiny" hopefully very soon, and after that I'll get onto "A Grief Observed" and the Book of Job.

Personal Notes & A Waterbirth Video!

Thought I'd post this sweet waterbirth video that I loved!! As I think I've mentioned before, if we are blessed with another baby we are hoping to have a waterbirth. Our midwife is very experienced with waterbirth and does a ton of them, so unless there are complications, we've got a really good chance. Our friend's sister just had a waterbirth yesterday with one of our midwives - very exciting! Congratulations J.!

This has been a crazy week. A baby shower, baking cookies for said shower, playing at church, music rehearsal, church's semi-annual meeting, potluck, dinner guests, going-away party for some friends (we miss you guys already!), babysitting for said friends while they packed, volunteering, playgroup, errands - you name it, we've done it! I'm finally done with the busiest part and am looking forward to some down time!

I am once again not pregnant, and am sincerely thankful for that fact. Whenever I find out that I am not pregnant, I feel a twinge of disappointment followed by overwhelming waves of relief and gratitude. Apparently I am not ready for this experience yet! When I was pregnant and telling people that I was NEVER going to do this again, I always got variations of the same response - "Oh, wait till after you've had the baby. You won't be able to wait to do it again!" Well, I am somewhat gratified to note that I was right - I am NOT eager to do it again - although they were partially right, as I am kinda-sorta-maybe willing to at least try again. Well, we've got at least another month! I seem to be working my way up to a nice little luteal phase defect, so my fertility issues may be out of my control for now anyway!

It's probably also good that I am not pregnant because..... we may have a house!!! Yes, we have something like a provisional acceptance on a short sale - we won't have the definite paperwork for a couple of weeks, but it's at least tentative. Hurray!!

Well, I've let the Bug take advantage of my being distracted for long enough! Back to actual parenting!!

Side Note

Oddly enough, after my last blog entry (faith & hyperemesis part II), I feel an unusual sort of relief - like I have done what I set out to do! I think that so far, that was the culminating effort of my blog. Now that I have written out completely my spiritual questions and struggles, it's like my mind is much clearer, and I can move ahead with trying to deal with them cleanly rather than mucking about in confusion.

When I started this blog, I had only one objective - to gather and publish my research into hyperemesis to make it available to other HG mums. However, I realize that this blog has also initiated a much-needed spiritual journey as well, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I simply could not have faced another pregnancy without asking these questions and (hopefully) coming to terms with them.

I wanted to also broadcast a note to April, who left a blog comment on this blog several weeks ago. April, I responded to your comment, but I don't think that it went anywhere, so I am going to republish my response here just in case you're still checking this blog.

Also, I'm going to post April's comment here, as it may be helpful for some HG mums out there:

From April:

"Hiya. I'm an HG sufferer on her second HG pregnancy. This one has been more intense than the first. I'm 9 weeks and have already lost 13 pounds. But, my doc prescribed Zofran early enough that I haven't had any rehydration trips to the ER. The only problem is, the Zofran only quells the vomiting, not the nausea for me. So, while I haven't lost any more weight in the past week, the nausea is still relentless. And, I've found, nausea *without* vomitting presents its own horrors.

"Let me share what I've tried.

"Vitamin B-6 50mg plus 25mg unisom three times a day - did it for two weeks - those were the two weeks I lost 13 pounds. Not saying it caused it, but definitely didn't help.

"Acupuncture. I've gone once a week for two weeks, and I can honestly say I feel significant improvement in the severity (NOT the duration - it's still constant) of the nausea. Going back for another round on Monday. I'll keep you posted.

"Read your blog about vitamin K a week ago. I'm lucky enough to work for a major university and was able to get the original article. The study dose was vitamin K (5mg) and vitamin C (25mg) once a day. The problem is, they used vitamin K-3, which can be toxic at this dose. Also, I have read that high doses of vitamin K (any form) in the last trimester of pregnancy has been linked to increased incidence of jaundice in the newborn. All that said, I found only one place online that sold vitamin K-1 in 10 mg capsules. I have been taking 10 mg vitamin K and 100 mg vitamin C for the last two days. I'll let you know if it touches the nausea in the next few days."

My response:

Hi, April!

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through HG a second time!! That really stinks. You have more courage than I currently have, as you probably saw from my blog – I haven’t managed to get up courage to try again. I hope that one of the HG remedies can end up working for you. It really seems that different things work for different people. One HG friend of mine told me that acupuncture made her HG worse, while that seems to be working well for you. I’m sorry to hear that the B-6 combo didn’t work for you. It didn’t work for me either, but by the time I tried it I was too sick to keep it down, so I hadn’t counted it out yet.

I will be interested to hear what comes of the vitamin K experiment – let me know! I am surprised to hear that the original study used K-3, as I had read (I think???) that it was K-1 – but that was only a reference to the study, not the original study. I hope that it will have good effects for you.

I will be thinking of you!! Good luck!!!
Love,
Diana

And now, off to get my toddler, who has taken a waaaayyyy-too-short nap!

Intertwining Themes

I have come to realize lately that I really ought to have two blogs - one for hyperemesis and one for homebirth midwifery and birth issues. It would be okay to mix themes if this were a personal blog, i.e. a record of my life and daily doings, but since it is definitely a themed-blog, all of the midwifery material is a little bit out of place. However, the fact remains that I simply do not have time for two blogs!! And they're both pregnancy related, so perhaps I can use that excuse to mix the themes.

This past period of time (since Caleb's birth) has been an important time in my life because it has revealed what is I believe my life passion - homebirth midwifery and other birth issues (promoting natural childbirth, women's rights in childbirth, childbirth education, etc.). It's odd that I had to wait until I was 25 or so to find that out - it could have saved me a lot of time and money pursuing a Bachelor's in biology and a certification in patisserie, both of which turned out to be more along the lines of hobbies rather than life-callings. But I really didn't figure it out until my baby was born. And frankly, I know it's true love because I had a miserable pregnancy, and childbirth wasn't a ton of fun either - but I'm now fascinated with them! I have been on a continual reading spree ever since Caleb turned about six months old, and my fascination just continues to grow.

Side note: I've learned how one can tell a true life passion from a hobby (at least for me) - it's when one can read a magazine devoted solely to the subject and be fascinated by it. I had always wondered why I could have hobbies (organ music, environmentalism, birds, outdoors, cooking, etc.) but be bored silly by publications relating to them. But I can read "Midwifery Today" until I'm blue in the face and be utterly enthralled!

The main problem I am facing right now is simply not knowing what to do with my fascination. I simply don't have any real sense of a direction in which I want to move. The main options open are midwife, doula, and childbirth educator. For the moment I have decided that I am not going to pursue being a midwife, much as I really regret it. I just don't think that I was cut out to be a midwife. Here are the reasons:

(1) I am extraordinarily squeamish around needles and scalpels
(2) I am an uptight super-scheduler type of person (I plan my weeks down to the hour)
(3) I have very weak people skills, and I am especially uncomfortable in any type of counseling situation
(4) I absolutely hate being in charge. I love being a helper, but not the person in charge
(5) I can obsess morbidly for months about receiving disapproval of any kind - and midwives have to be inured against disapproval, since they get it constantly
(6) I have had life-long issues with constant fatigue - not something that is compatible with an on-the-go 24/7 type of career which is one of the most demanding professions in the world.
(7) There's a certain lack of time mixed into all this! As a very happy SAHM I am not looking for a career - just a side-line or a hobby. Midwifery is a career - one of the most demanding careers there is! That's why it has traditionally been reserved for older women.

To me, that's a pretty water-tight case!

So that leaves doula work and childbirth education, both of which I think are possibilities. There are also side-callings, such as lactation consultation, selling birth & baby supplies (slings, etc.), but I don't want to get too peripheral - I really am interested in birth, not just being on the sidelines.

So right now I am really praying for wisdom on this issue. For the moment I am content to just attend birth circle meetings, read voraciously, and back my poor midwife into a corner with continual questions whenever I see her (sorry, Wendi!), but I do want eventually to have a goal and a purpose, and not just be a groupie. There are doula and CBE certification classes probably coming up this fall, so I may try one of those.

What I really need, I guess, is for someone to come up to me and say, "Gosh, I think you'd be a great [fill in the blank]," at which point I would say, "Gee, I never thought of that! I would like to be a [fill in the blank]." Well, I can only dream!

Well, enough wasted time for now! Love to all!!

A Post for No Reason At All!

I thought I'd better do a quick post, even if it's just to show that this blog is still active! I don't like to go longer than a week.

But for the most part, I don't have anything significant to say. I have finished reading the two books I for which I want to do book reviews ("Body Mutiny" and "The Problem of Pain"), but I want to reread both of them before doing formal reviews, so it'll be a while before I post those. I also have a big post forming in my head on the spiritual questions raised by hyperemesis, but I haven't the time or the effort to post that one now! I will also be posting Sarah's second HG story as soon as she sends the second part of it.

Oh, I should make one note..... I had written that we had had a 9-day luteal phase last cycle, which most internet sources say is infertile (some docs say anything under 12 is infertile; some say anything under 10). However, I was in contact with our NFP teachers this weekend, and they told me that some of their friends conceived their six children with a 9-day luteal cycle, LOL!! So apparently a low luteal cycle is no guarantee of sterility (although it might be a contributing factor to anyone experiencing infertility).

For the moment we seem to be blessed with at-least temporary secondary infertility - nothing definite, just going off the fact that all of our charts for the past year show that we really should have conceived each cycle. Of course, our NFP teachers told us that they "fooled around" with NFP phase-2 rules for eleven months before they paid the price (i.e. got pregnant), so I'm not counting on anything. I'm just grateful for the extra time we're being given to prepare. If we're never able to conceive again, I'll be perfectly happy with that. I love being pregnant aside from the HG, but the HG was enough to cancel out the rest - or at least to make the rest of it not worth it.

We have been quite busy lately, mostly with church, house-sitting for some friends, and toddler-chasing (90% of my time). We're hoping to start regaining our social life - we really have had no one over for the past year or so, and I want to rectify that situation. So we're starting to make efforts!

Well, I guess I'd better go do something constructive for the last bit of Caleb's nap! Love to all!!

Hmmmm.....

Last night I received the news (via the usual method!) that I am once again not pregnant!! I'd like to say otherwise, but I was absolutely overjoyed. I have been spending the last few days of each cycle for the past while in a state of anxiety/semi-panic over the possibility of being pregnant. Obviously I'm not quite ready to try again yet.

The problem is that one has to jump blindly. One can't test the waters gingerly with one foot and then call it off if one doesn't like what one feels - one has to jump with both feet, not knowing until one jumps whether one is jumping into a balmy Caribbean paradise or a swamp of hungry piranhas. And that's what scares me to death - not to know. I could have a "fluffy" pregnancy, due to chance, divine sovereignty, and my improved eating habits, or I could have a pregnancy like the last (God forbid), or I could have life-threatening hyperemesis (God forbid even more).

I was also freaking out over the thought of being in the middle of a home purchase while dealing with hyperemesis. So if we can hold off until we move into our new house, it'll be that much better. Packing and moving with hyperemesis is not only inconvenient, it's impossible. That would be good.

I would be able to relax a little bit more also if I had family in town who could care for Caleb in case of hyperemesis. I simply don't know what I would do right now if I came down with HG, just because Caleb is so needy - but with hyperemesis, even the moderate stuff like I had, childcare is simply not an option.

And then there's just the fear of hyperemesis itself. I am more afraid of HG than just about anything else in this world, and the thought of it reasserting itself is literally enough to put me in panic mode.

But it's been two years!!! Two years since Caleb was born. So how long does one have to wait to get over the fear? I'm willing to try childbirth again - painful as it was, women are just built to be able to forget it just enough to be willing to do it again, LOL! But not hyperemesis - that is a torture that is in another category all by itself.

This blog has been a very healing experience, but apparently I am not far enough down the road to be ready to reenter that world. Well, I guess we'd better improve our use of NFP techniques!!!

One interesting note is that I had a 9 day luteal phase this cycle, and 10 days is supposed to be the cut-off point between functional and dysfunctional (some docs say 12, some say 10). Normally mine has been 10-11 days, since it stabilized postpartum. However, I don't know what it was pre-conception (whether it's changed or not). So I guess there's the possibility of a minor luteal phase defect keeping us from getting pregnant! Well, I wouldn't mind - at least for now.

Love to all!!

A Week of Surprises

Wow, what a start to the week! This week has just been a week of big news - most of it baby news!

First and least-importantly, I am once again not pregnant! That's good, although I was disappointed. My body likes to play tricks on me - it has a bad habit of doing nice little triphasic basal body temperature patterns (generally a sure sign of pregnancy) that have me holding my breath till the end of my cycle. In all honesty, I was totally bummed, but with our supposedly upcoming move, it's probably better to wait.

(Speaking of houses, we lost bid #4 and are now on to bid #5 - should know by the end of the week!)

In more important (MUCH more important!) baby news, a good friend K. had her baby on Sunday, after a DISGUSTINGLY easy labor (dang it, K., you're supposed to suffer more for it!) and we are extremely excited for her. Congratulations R. & K. and welcome, little one!! Great job, K.!!! You rock!!! Write your birth story!!! :)

A side note: I've been thinking about how to post my next birth story (nothing like thinking ridiculously far into the future, is there?). I am so head-over-heels in love with childbirth and childbirth-lore, and so involved in the birth community, that I now am completely used to totally nude birth pics, and I don't mind seeing or sharing them. BUT I doubt that my faithful readership will want to see that! (Not to mention church discipline for pornography, LOL) Maybe I'll post with a BIG disclaimer. Or maybe I'll try to put them on an entry that has to be accessed separately from the usual list of postings. (Jen? Is that possible?)

In other unexpected baby news (K's baby was a good week and a half early, so we weren't expecting to hear anything for quite a while), some good friends of ours who have been trying to conceive for almost five years now, have quite unexpectedly found out that they are expecting! This is truly exciting news, and we are beyond excited for them. Also exciting is the fact that the new mummy has decided to use one of our beloved midwives for her pregnancy, so that is an additional excitement!

And what does this have to do with hyperemesis??? Absolutely nothing!!!! (Except, of course, for the fact that I, not being pregnant, can put off having to deal with HG for another month.) So forgive the meandering, and I promise that I'll get back into HG soon!!! In the meantime, congratulations everyone!!!

And another one down!

Well, project #2 of 3 is now accomplished! It was coordinating some church friends' wedding, and it came off smashingly last night. It was one of the most beautiful weddings, physically and spiritually, that I've been blessed to attend, and it was a huge honor to be involved. It was also a very special blessing for our church, in that both the bride and groom had attended our church since childhood - how often does that happen, even in a large church? It's probably a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

In a lot of ways, this wedding also made up for some deficiencies in my own.... I didn't actually have anything to do with my own wedding (long story) - I just showed up and participated. And of course, even in normal situations, the bride doesn't see much of her own wedding. Joe didn't have anything to do with it either (not that guys want anything to do with it!). So this was a wedding in which we were actually able to participate, and it was a lot of fun. I loved it.

If I had my dating and courtship days to do over again, there are about a half-million things I would do differently. I have many regrets. It was nice to see a couple who did do it right when they had the chance, even if it made me wildly envious. Congratulations, H & B!!!!

The one embarrassing moment of the night was the discovery that I cannot help breaking down at weddings any more when I am coordinating than when I am not. Although I almost never cry in personal life, I break down completely at weddings and funerals (although I have had to get better at keeping my composure at funerals, since I play for so many of them), and this one was no exception. Normally that wouldn't be so bad, except that I was the coordinator, for goodness' sake, someone who of all people ought not to be crying, and I was crying in front of the whole wedding party as they exited!! Not to mention the beautiful snapshot the photographer got of me crying over H's shoulder!! Oh, dear.... Well, it was the one blemish in an otherwise perfect evening.

I was not at all nervous for my own wedding, but I certainly was for this one! But I actually had a blast and would love to do more. Joe has determined that we're going to go into business doing weddings, but I would prefer to keep it among friends.

So my second of three projects is done! (They are #1 - cake for K's shower, #2 - coordinating this wedding, and #3 - moving). We have a bid on a fourth house, which we should hear about in the first part of this coming week. We're not too hopeful on this one, but I would love to have this process OVER!!!! After that I will start packing and be busy, busy, busy with that for the next couple of months. Assuming we don't get pregnant in the meantime (very possible), we will then be free to try to get pregnant, if we want to. Aaackkkk!!!!! Nerve-wracking!!! But if we put it off too much past that, I shall come up with a whole new list of "projects," to wait through, and Caleb will be a ten-year-old before I get the guts to try again!!

Really, we ought to try now, as the church calendar drastically falls off over the summer (I'm the church secretary, so that matters big-time to my schedule) and it would be nice to be less-busy when I'm confronting the possibility of hyperemesis gravidarum. But I don't want to intentionally get pregnant before our move. I'll try to trust the Lord's timing!

Well, we all slept till 8:00 a.m. this morning - this is the first time I've gotten to sleep in in two years - ever since Caleb was born! Hurray!!! Well, considering that he was up till 11 p.m. last night, it's not surprising, although he has a habit of getting up earlier when he goes to bed extra-late. Thank goodness he didn't today!

Well, we're off to a busy weekend! Shopping, working, practicing, church, teaching, a grad party, and playing for a church service. I wish we could relax, but not this weekend! Next weekend!

Love to all!

Another Week Begins!

Well, our little guy has unexpectedly decided to take a 3-hour+ nap, so I've decided to waste some of that precious extra time blogging! Most likely he'll be up within the next ten minutes.

My spare time this week has mostly been spent dealing with ANTS. As has been so aptly said, "They're baaaacccckkkk." Last year we had a miserable time with ants - we were basically overrun. The kind of situation where if one drops a cheerio on the carpet, ten minutes later there will be an efficient little black line going to and from it to yet another hole in the wall where the little beggars are pouring in.

Last year we had one 24-hour session that was absolutely amazing. They started coming into the baby's room, so we called the apartment's pest control, who (as usual) sent out an inexpert chap who doused our front doorway with pesticide. Well, apparently, that made the little things MAD, because they then moved into both bathrooms by midnight, and by morning were pouring into our kitchen in hoardes. We had to ask our friend C. to come over for about four hours so I could deal with the little devils, and our house spent the rest of the summer covered in boric acid and diatomaceous earth - a state which it has now resumed and will probably keep until the cool weather hits this fall.

Our third house has now almost definitely fallen through. Another bid has (we think) been accepted, although we may be the runners up in case it falls through. We have been amazed at the number of irresponsible and dishonest realtors we have had to deal with during this process! I hadn't realized what a wide spectrum of honesty and character there is in the field - and a lot of unprofessionalism too. Thankfully our realtor is honest and responsible and reliable, so he can deal with the rest of them for us. We went out and looked at another 10 houses yesterday and found 2 possibilities, so hopefully we'll be able to look at them soon and see if they could work for us. Buyer's market? What buyer's market?

The big excitement of the week will be H&B's wedding, which I am coordinating (yikes!). That is big project #2 of 3 (#3 being our assumed upcoming move). After that I can get pregnant at will, God willing! I'm wondering if it will actually be as easy to get pregnant as it used to be for us (2 pregnancies in 3 months), just for the simple reason that with the way we've been using our NFP, we ought to have rightfully gotten pregnant at least 8 times this past year, LOL!! (Side note: I now understand why all the couples in our NFP class were engaged, rather than married, which shocked me at the time - one really needs to use NFP for at least a year before using it for family planning, in order to learn one's body and cycles.) So that will be interesting. However, with the overwhelming amount of fear that I have in facing another pregnancy, I won't be too upset if it takes a while. After all, it's mainly at Joe's insistence that we're trying again at all. I love being pregnant, but I have too much fear to push for it voluntarily. I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it now! I'm wondering if it is actually too smart for us to attempt another pregnancy. I don't know how well I would be able to rejoice in it - there's just too, too, too much fear. I'm having a really hard time trusting the Lord on this one (and that, indeed, is the subject of another blog entry entirely). I've never been so close to true despair, and I know from friends and research how much further HG can go - I don't want to go that far down into the Pit. I pray for wisdom in this whole issue!!

Well, our little guy is still not up! With a 3 1/2 hour nap, I'm guessing he's coming down with something - he always sleeps more when he's sick. So I'd better go get something useful done!!

Lots of love to all!

Health Food????

Well, folks, I've got to say, in all honesty.... Our house STINKS. Really STINKS. And I'm not speaking philosophically or metaphorically - it smells terrible. You see, I've been on a quest to improve our diets by adding more probiotic foods to our food chain, a la The Maker's Diet, and one suggestion was fermented vegetables, which are just brimming over with beneficial bacteria. So I decided to make kimchee, which is a Korean condiment consisting of a blend of odorous vegetables, which is fermented at room temperature for a week. My bottle of kimchee is bubbling beautifully, but it is making itself known most unpleasantly. Joe got home from church today and said, "Okay, that's it. We're not having anyone over to the house until that stuff is out of here." I must admit, it does smell rather like.... well, fermented cabbage and onion, I suppose! Not to mention the garlic. Wow!! So unless this stuff is phenomenal, it won't be making another appearance in our home. I'm not sure we're even going to wait to see how it tastes - it may end up in the trash long before the week-waiting period.

I've decided that I need to get cracking on my diet again. If we do want to try for a baby sometime this summer, I need to get started on my "3 to 6 months" of diet preparation now. Our diet has improved dramatically since C. got here, I must say - plain oatmeal, raw milk, plain yogurt, and I've ditched almost all processed foods, plus artificial fats and sweeteners - but I still do have a raging sweet tooth which needs reigning in. So I need to start plugging away at it! If it gets me out of a repeat version of hyperemesis, it'll be worth it! (Not that I really think it will, but any little bit helps.)

Speaking of stinking houses, we lost our third bid this week (or are pretty sure we have). We found out that our beautiful little house has no fewer than eight bids on it, and ours is, sad to say, not the highest. Miracles are still possible, but not likely. I am really getting tired of this process! I trust the Lord to give us what he wants for a home, but I do kind of wish we could get through the process a little more quickly. We've been looking for almost a full year now! And it is so emotionally draining to fall in love with a home, put a bid on it, wait for weeks and then hear that one has, once again, lost it. So this coming week we have to begin the process once again with house #4. I hope that it is over soon!!!

Well, Caleb is showing great impatience with my blogging - and I can't blame him! Later!

Just for fun :)

Today I thought I'd take (another) break from hyperemesis gravidarum and try to post my birth story. Why? Because it's fun!!!! I love birth stories. When I was pregnant I read them compulsively (still do, actually, whenever I can get a minute). Just as a matter of form, here's my favorite site for birth stories:

http://www.birthdiaries.com/

Anyhow, my birth story. I don't think I'll get very far, as it's almost time for C. to get up, but it's worth a try - I can always do two installments.

I'm also going to write from memory rather than copying my own official birth story - something for which my faithful readership should be extremely grateful, considering that my "official" birth story is something like 15 pages, typed (or more!).

And those who are squeamish about birth stories should feel completely justified in moving on to the next entry and skipping this one. But I'll keep it modest. :)

We had my last prenatal on Monday, June 20, 2006 - my due date. We were worried because Wendi was leaving the country for six weeks that Saturday, and didn't want to have to have another midwife if we were a few days late. Wendi, bless her, wasn't a bit worried, and she was right. I lost my mucous plug the next day, so things were in motion.

(I should mention how I came to choose a midwife - When I got pregnant, we didn't have maternity coverage. In my cherubic innocence I thought that "no maternity coverage" meant that while our insurance wouldn't cover hospital birth, they would cover other services (such as homebirth midwifery). Well, I was wrong - they wouldn't cover any of it. But by that time I'd done enough research and read enough stories that I was hooked!!! I didn't care at that point - I knew I wanted a midwife.)

On Wednesday night I took a firm hold on Joe and told him that we were going to get our to-do list done, as I was tired of putting things off indefinitely. So we hung our clothesline, set up our bassinet, and did several other things. My one and only instance of nesting!!!

Thursday morning I awoke with a start at 4:28 a.m. with the odd dual sensations that (a) I really needed to use the restroom, and (b) I was already doing so! It didn't take me too long to realize that my water had broken. I was nervous and excited! I got up and cleaned like a maniac and then got dressed, being very careful to do my makeup and clothes nicely, since our midwives would be coming over! (Ha! As if that would last!!!)

My contractions immediately made themselves known. I had had rolling Braxton Hicks contractions since my second month of pregnancy, but as soon as my water broke they became much more intense and uncomfortable - labor had started.

When Joe got up, he immediately freaked out and insisted on calling Wendi. After that we had breakfast, and then I headed back to bed. Getting up at 4:30 a.m. and cleaning wildly had been tiring! So I slept lightly, waking up for contractions.

Sometime that morning the toilet decided to overflow, so there I was trying to help Joe clean up a flooded bathroom in between contractions. Rather amusing! We called for emergency maintenance help which, as expected, never came, so the carpet had to dry on its own. We were too busy to fuss with it anyway.

Our doula came over in the early afternoon. Sometime during the afternoon, Wendi came over to check on us. I asked her if I could labor in water, and she said yes, so I immediately headed to the bathroom and stayed there - first in the shower, and then in the bath.

I have to put in a plug here for laboring in water. This may sound weird, but when I got into the tub/shower, labor pain initially vanished. Completely. It was wonderful. Of course it built again from there, but I don't think I could have done it out of water. It is, after all, reputed to reduce labor pain by about 40%, and I highly concur.

Another amusing thing was my total loss of modesty. When I initially got in the tub and Joe asked if our doula could come in to say hi, I was really reluctant. Well, it went downhill from there! By the end of the night I was walking around stark naked in front of everyone and not caring a bit! So funny.

One thing I also learned about myself was that I am loud in labor. Very loud. Think male sea lion during mating season. Or maybe a wounded bull moose. Many women are. I'd read enough birth stories to know this, so I didn't try to fight it (couldn't have, probably, anyway). So I yelled my head off with each contraction! Thankfully, none of our neighbors seemed to notice.

Somewhere during early evening, Joe and Jennie set up the birth pool in our living room and filled it up with warm water. I immediately headed in there, and the relief was once again great. Wendi and her back-up, Sue, arrived about this time. However, I was never actually able to say hi to them. It is true that in labor you do loose a lot of functions you normally have - such as conversation. Your whole body is focused involuntarily on labor, and all extraneous functions cease. Makes sense.

However, after going through childbirth, I realize how important it is to have an advocate with one - an informed husband or doula. A woman is really helpless during a lot of childbirth - she is vulnerable to suggestion and unable to fight for her rights. If I'd been with an unscrupulous caregiver, he/she could have given me pitocin, an episiotomy, whatever they'd cared to, because I wouldn't have noticed and/or been able to stick up for what I wanted.

This last part of labor was not a lot of fun. Everyone just sat around quietly, giving support when needed, while I dealt with things (loudly!). During the worst part I had a massive throwing-up spell, signaling transition (gotta love it!). It was during this time that I broke out in the standard "I can't do this anymore, dang it!!!" lingo. However, I was giggling inwardly at being so stereotypical - breaking out the typical transition phraseology like I'd been reading it from a script!! LOL

Our cat was totally freaking out. She had no idea what was going on - we have some great pics of her going around sniffing everything.

When I would ask "Am I almost finished?", Wendi would wisely say, "Soon!" I'm so glad she didn't tell the truth - I couldn't have handled it. She also told me that the only way she could know for sure was to do a vaginal exam. I refused each time. I knew that I couldn't handle it emotionally if she said something like "2 centimeters!"

When my vocalizations changed from yelling to grunting, Wendi said she'd like to check to see how things were going. She did, and not only were we fully dilated, but Caleb was at a station of +4! Almost there!

I should say that it is one of the proudest points of my pregnancy that the first vaginal exam of my entire pregnancy was an hour before Caleb's birth. Wendi is so, so hands-off (not all midwives are), and I loved that about her. No fuss!!!!

She tried to help me push more effectively in the water, and then after a while suggested I get out. Wendi mentioned later that most primips (first-timers) don't end up giving birth in water, as they tend to find the lack of gravity confusing. I concur!

So we went in the bedroom and pushed in a variety of positions, ending up with seated. I pushed like heck for one or two hours. It hurt like anything!!!! At the very end I just gave up and pushed, because I wanted it to be over more than anything. And Caleb was born!! At 10:35 p.m. - 18 hours of labor. We'd refused prenatal ultrasound, so the first big excitement was finding out that he was a boy!! Joe had desperately wanted a girl, but he immediately fell in love with Caleb and hasn't looked back since.

We'd discovered mid-labor that our video recorder had quit, so our doula only caught the last minute or so on her camera. Big disappointment. Next time we're going to check it before labor starts!

One of my big disappointments was that I (through some odd act of divine intervention) missed out on the birth ecstasy - that "my baby, my baby!!" moment. I was really bummed. I wasn't actually that interested in Caleb. I just wanted to go to sleep! But he was pretty cute, and we spent the next couple of weeks falling in love.

Wendi and Sue and Jennie and Joe took turns cleaning up, getting rid of the birth pool, bathing Caleb, and doing a gentle newborn exam (we refused eye prophylaxis & vitamin K, and delayed newborn tests). I myself had only torn slightly (nothing to worry about), so I went and showered while they changed the sheets (after eating an enormous bowl of strawberries and cottage cheese, I should mention) and then went back to bed. They all left a couple of hours later.

(I should mention that midwives don't forbid eating during labor - in fact, they encourage it - but after breakfast, I hadn't wanted to eat anything. I just drank Gatorade. So I hadn't eaten since about 6 a.m. that morning!)

So that's my birth story! I have a feeling that I'm going to be coming back to my blog every couple of hours today to input little details I've forgotten, but that is the main!